


Us against the world

by holdmymilktea



Series: Us against the illusions of the mind [1]
Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Narcissu AU, Road Trips, but not really, honestly if you don't want your soul to be crushed don't bother clicking, sad but strong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24272113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdmymilktea/pseuds/holdmymilktea
Summary: As the line between right and wrong is blurred and reality loses its meaning, two young women wander on the roads in a quest for life and freedom. Their goal? The south. There’s no reason for it, one of them just decided it would be her final destination.
Series: Us against the illusions of the mind [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129697
Comments: 18
Kudos: 20





	1. D1: The journey

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings:  
> \- Half-assed philosophical questionings.  
> \- Overall heavy themes. This story will be a sad ride from start to finish, but hopefully, a strong one. It is SFW, though.
> 
> Keep in mind:  
> \- This is my take on Narcissu and Narcissu Side 2nd by stage-nana. Set is now South Korea, year 2017-ish. As I prefer leaving the choice to the reader regarding how much they know prior to reading, you can look up [the plot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissu) if you want to know more about the TW.  
> \- This story is entirely fictional. The opinions and beliefs expressed in this story are neither DC's nor mine.  
> \- Medical accuracy in fiction is a lie 99% of the time. We're in those 99%.  
> 

How long had she been driving?

She couldn’t remember exactly, as she kept her eyes strained on the road, occasionally sparing a glance at the passenger seat next to her.

Close to no words were exchanged.

They had left late in the morning but her notion of time was so altered she couldn’t make an estimation. She relaxed her hands on the wheel, opening and closing them slowly then tried to tense her muscles. She could feel her strength decreasing, as if each foggy mountain passed by gave her body a reason to give up. 

They hadn’t even bothered to put music on. Only the humming of the engine and the splatter of the rain against the car body provided some sort of background sound. It was maybe the only thing that tied her to reality, she mused bitterly. A proof that what she was doing and what she had agreed to do was bound to have consequences she didn’t grasp quite yet.

A lifeline.

Soothing but oh so ironic.

Her companion had her chin propped on her hand, her face leaning against the window to behold the never-ending paintings of grey and green as the car ran. That’s what her reflection told her at least, as she couldn’t see her eyes directly, but the woman wasn’t sleeping anymore.

She wondered what she was thinking about, and whether, when it’d be her turn, she would think the same. Or maybe the woman wasn’t thinking and merely observing, meditating, like an outsider from a different realm. She didn’t know. It was too early for her to know.

There was nothing else to do but watch, still. They had turned off their phones for now so they weren’t tempted to change their minds.

Actually, that wasn’t correct.

She was only referring to herself, to her own possibly faltering resolve. Her only certitude at the moment was that her companion wouldn’t change her mind, her decision finally made after being thought over and over since even before they had met.

“Do you regret coming with me?”

“No…”

“You can be honest with me, you know. I won’t hurt you. Not that I could, anyway.”

The woman chuckled at her own joke. Well, she thought the other meant it as a joke; her words always had several layers to them. She liked to think it was the kind of humor only those with a similar condition to them would understand. It made their relationship more special, a closed circle shared with people they didn’t know personally, yet of whom they knew the struggles in their most profound intricacy. That was probably how she saw right through her and her uncertainty.

She didn’t reply immediately this time, taking more time to think more seriously about the question. She relaxed her hands once more as frustration rose within her. She couldn’t come up with a satisfying answer. It seemed even her brain was starting to fail her.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s okay.”

It still felt so lacking. Her companion’s reaction was far from resignation, more like plain acceptance, but she couldn’t settle with it. She searched for another certitude in the world that hadn’t let her down completely yet, but would inevitably do in the future. She couldn’t afford the luxury of doubting everything else before affirming it. The words stayed still on her lips for brief seconds, before finally being released.

“I don’t know, but I like being with you.”

She wanted to reach for the woman’s hand, but she wasn’t confident enough in her driving skills to let go like this, would it be only for a moment, so she didn’t. The weather required her to be able to react immediately. They couldn’t risk an accident now that they had gone so far. Even if the world would fail her, she could never fail the woman who came to hold such an important spot in her life.

She heard shifting in the other seat, followed by another chuckle.

“I’m really happy you came, I like being with you too.”

She heard her name, the one she heard only when her companion was letting her guard down completely.

She heard fondness.

* * *

“Let’s stop here for the night.”

It wasn’t even nighttime yet, but the small town they were in added to her own fatigue of being the only driver provided enough reasons to stop there. She was in need of a real break. It was the first time she drove for so long. It was the first time she drove ever since getting her license, actually.

Thinking about their journey so far, she felt proud of herself for safely leading them towards their destination. For once, she felt useful to someone, like she wasn’t a burden to drag. She carried her own burden and accommodated with it. They both did. It was a new, welcome and appreciated sensation.

The two women exited the vehicle to stretch their sore limbs and discuss their plans. It was probably too ambitious to call it plans, as they had only decided on the beginning and the end. Everything in between was pure improvisation. She had always been one to pay attention to details so she could make educated decisions in serious situations like these, very much different from the shenanigans she would jump in head first back then.

Saying they didn’t have time for plans while wandering with no fixed stop would be contradictory. It still held some kind of truth, but as they’d be on the roads for a couple days at most, it was fitting to let the wind carry them away.

“What do you want to eat?”

Her stomach grumbling for the past twenty minutes had also entered the equation of making a stop, to be completely honest.

“How much do we have?”

Met with a question instead of an answer, she showed the content of her wallet. The implicit point of the operation was to know what they could afford before expressing wishes which would be left unfulfilled and they were always careful with wishes. Three bills of fifty thousand and a few coins wasn’t much, she knew it. Back before they escaped, she supposedly didn’t have a need for money and whenever she needed something, she would simply ask for it.

If they were careful enough, they could fit all their spendings within this restricted budget. If not… It wouldn’t really make a difference, would it? Their journey would only be shorter, without altering the achievement it represented.

Her companion replied in a similar fashion. She held her hand and with the other, put two extra bills in it. She lingered, giving her an embarrassed smile as it was probably all she had left too.

“Let’s skip the convenience store for dinner and get some real food. It’s rather cold, but is samgyetang okay with you? It’ll give us some strength.”

She nodded and the woman started to gently lead her in direction of what could be restaurants, now that the object of their quest had been decided on. She frowned thinking about what the other had just said, but chose to not comment on it.

The rain had stopped, leaving in the air its distinct scent which sent a wave of nostalgia wash over her. With the scenery of small buildings surrounded by mountains, it reminded her of her childhood days, when she would visit her grandparents over the summer. When they would watch together the warm shower pour on the ground, splashing, bouncing, forming puddles, until they could go for a walk without being soaked, even with an umbrella. How far those days seemed to be.

Turning the page of her memories, she brought her eyes to their locked hands, not even acknowledging the white piece of vinyl circling the older’s wrist. Of course, the warmth that filled her heart now couldn’t be compared to the one she felt back then, but it was only because it was born out of different feelings. She gently squeezed the hand she held and lengthened her stride so they could finally walk side by side.

The jacket of her companion proved to not be enough of a protection against the wind. Not wanting to see her shiver any longer, she let go to instead slide her arm across her waist and bring her against her. If they were close enough, she could maybe share that warmth she felt. Surprised at first, the woman eventually leaned further into her side, exhaling contentedly through her nose, a smile forming on her face.

* * *

Dinner was nice.

They managed to find the desired samgyetang in a traditional family restaurant, where a nice ahjumma gave them extra rice for free, arguing they were both too skinny for young girls this tall to be healthy and thus, had to eat more. They shyly accepted the gesture, babbling their thanks with their heads lowered as they could hardly hide their embarrassment.

Even if her stomach wasn’t used to deal with such an amount of food anymore, she forced herself to honor the good intentions of their host as much as she could. Across her, the older clearly wanted to do the same, looking intently at the small steel bowl, like at any moment she could snap and devour the whole thing in a matter of seconds, which was, realistically speaking, completely impossible for them.

She watched her carefully lift the cover to avoid being burnt by the steam, then take a small portion of the rice with her spoon. It hang mid-air for a while, before being put back like the effort required was too great. She switched her gaze from the smaller to the bigger one and saw the barely touched chicken that still bathed in the soup.

“I may have bitten more than I could chew with the restaurant thing… I don’t want to be rude, though…”

The sulking face before her was too much to take. From what she gathered from all the time they had spent together, her companion always wanted to put others before herself. She always cared more about others than herself. It was a trait that she admired immensely, be it for her forgotten dream of becoming a doctor or an untouched free bowl of rice. There were things you just couldn’t change, no matter the situation and even if your journey was the definition of selfishness itself.

She reached for her hand, instinctively rubbing the skin with her thumb as soon as it made contact.

“She only meant well, but don’t feel bad about it! How about you take one bite and I take another? Then it won’t be rude anymore. Can we do that?”

In the end, the ahjumma had heard everything and came back a few moments after to pack the leftover food even before they could do something about it. They politely declined, as they wouldn’t be able to store it anyway.

The town was preparing to sleep already, streets barren from their inhabitants, when they got back to the car. They stood awkwardly by the doors, now realizing one major consequence of their lack of preparation and lack of money, until the older woman decided to state the obvious. She looked with worry at the unfaltering warm smile plastered on the other’s face.

“I mean, it’s not like we have better choices.”

“We could still look for a jjimjjilbang.”

“It’s alright. Why waste money when we can't even take baths? I fell asleep earlier when you were driving, so I’m pretty sure we’ll sleep like a log!”

Her companion then proceeded to get inside the vehicle, lowering the backrest of the seat with her whole body to make her sleeping arrangement as comfortable as possible. Before imitating the woman, she opened the trunk to retrieve a blanket she knew her parents always kept there.

“Here, you said it was cold.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine with my jacket. You need it more than I do.”

It took her all ounce of self-control to refrain from looking away. She didn’t want her usual transparency to betray the meaning behind her words. She made sure to say it confidently enough to close the debate but not too firmly to make her feel like it was an order. If the woman were to refuse, she wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway. Much like how she got embarked in this, she could never refuse her anything.

As she thought that, a coughing fit ended all discussion possible.

They talked about what they saw on the way, what they would do the next day. Still no precise route, just keep going south, until they reached the port. That’s what she wanted. That was the priority.

“Good night.”

“Good night.”

And thus, the first day of their journey came to an end.


	2. The 7th floor

Yoohyeon had always been the model kid – well, almost. Friendly, sporty, studious, curious, and patient enough to give it as much time as necessary so it all made sense in her mind. Her only flaw, if you could count it as one, was to be unable to say no at any invitation, even those involving more than uncertain plans, just because it was the best way to discover more about the world.

Like that time she skipped class with her friend Siyeon so they could see what people were doing when they were stuck at school. She was convinced adults tricked kids into a work conspiracy to make them accept spending their days in class, while they were out there living their best life. Without them, of course. Why else would she not understand what her parents were saying when they tried to explain what they typically do in a day at work? Anyway, as one could guess, the whole expedition didn’t end well, and after being scolded, young Yoohyeon never skipped another class, ever. Or maybe she did, but she didn’t get caught.

There was also that time she got to the rooftop to observe the moon but somehow found herself locked out. She had been a little too late to realize the clicking sound was that of the janitor locking the door and it also ended terribly. Granted, this one had been caused by carelessness and could have easily been avoided. By telling someone she was heading there beforehand, for instance, or by bringing her phone with her.

Or even in university, when she almost got dragged into a religious cult during her first days, until she was rescued by an acquaintance passing by. Fun times. Admittedly, the two students who had stopped her to invite her for a harmless meal had seemed very friendly upon first impression and she was just too nice not to acknowledge solicitations, even from strangers.

Maybe deep down, Yoohyeon strived for ending up in dangerous and shady situations, but that kind of deep-dive into her psyche would have to wait for another time.

One thing was sure, she had an insatiable urge to discover and understand.

And she could accept anything, as long as she understood.

But then, nothing started to make sense anymore.

And it seemed that she wouldn’t have room for being patient.

The explanations from the doctor. Her mom shouting at him before breaking down in tears. Her dad as confused as herself while trying his best to soothe his wife’s worries. Surgeries. Her collapsing on campus. The way too frequent return trips to the hospital that went with being an outpatient. Not necessarily in that order; everything got confused in her mind.

It was a few months after she started her studies in journalism. At first, she adjusted to this new component in her life without much thought. Even if she didn’t understand it all at the moment, that would be over soon, right? She just had to wait a little longer for answers and most importantly, solutions. At one point they would tell her there was nothing wrong with her anymore and she could just carry on like nothing had happened.

Yoohyeon simply anticipated on this outcome and imagined herself in other countries, discovering them while informing hers what was happening on the other side of the globe. She didn’t know yet if that would be her path, but she could just see herself on the roads. She took English very seriously and in prevision, started driving lessons. Her eye to hand coordination wasn’t her strongest point, that was a well-known fact among her friends, but fueled by their teasing, she managed to get the precious card with further efforts.

But all of that was before she was admitted to the 7th floor.

* * *

By that time, Yoohyeon’s stance on hospitals had long gone from indifferently positive to negatively irritated and even though she has nothing but respect and praise for people in the medical field, their main workplace had become associated with bad news she’d much rather avoid. It tied her down, thwarted her projects of going into the world, opposed her only desire to experience and discover.

Of course, one can’t always do as they pleased, she thought as she studied the white bracelet freshly put on her wrist. It had her name on it, along with her blood type and the name of the hospital. The vinyl piece felt like handcuffs, attached directly to imaginary railings present everywhere.

Her bed, the door, this chair, that cupboard. They all had an invisible chain linked to her wrist.

She couldn’t go anywhere now.

The windows, the elevator and, if she allowed some craziness in, the front door of the building, were her new borders.

Her world had become the 7th floor.

There wasn’t much to say about it, really. White walls. _Depressing cold_ white walls, if she were to make an opinionated report on the subject. Large windows that open up to fifteen centimeters, _only_. A common area with a few tables for visits, not that the floor was too crowded, compared to other parts of the small hospital she had been transferred to. High ceilings. Silence.

In fact, for a few days, she had believed she was the only patient of the ward, as she had seen no one else sporting the white bracelet of damnation. The thought would have only kept bringing her down, if Siyeon didn’t mention seeing an elderly coming out of a room on her way there. Wonderful.

So rectification, Yoohyeon wasn’t alone in this hospice. There was no need to beat around the bush, that’s what the 7th floor was: a place to die. She wasn’t naive enough to not connect the dots with everything that happened over the last few days.

For most people her age, sweet twenty-something, your own death wasn’t a question you would think about too deeply, but willing or not, she would have to address it.

Soon.

But how soon?

Admittedly, she still didn’t know what to think about the situation; she wasn’t feeling too unwell compared to what she thought people like her should feel like. She cried a lot at the beginning, mostly at night, without knowing exactly why, but she guessed stress had a lot to do with that. And maybe something she couldn’t quite place, in between helplessness and resentment.

It still didn’t make sense to her.

* * *

“So, what did you do today?”

Siyeon once again looked around the room, as if she would mysteriously discover some new detail to the place she hadn’t spotted the previous times she visited. She probably didn’t even notice she did that everytime she came, but Yoohyeon was starting to be real good at observing. For instance, Siyeon rarely carried a bag around when she was out for something else than uni, but she had one with her today. She also didn’t usually bother with lip tint, more often than not opting to wear a face mask instead to attend classes, but she did today.

In comparison, her friend had much less observing opportunities. Days passed in a haze for Yoohyeon that wardrobe and interior design were the least of her concerns. Was it alright to say she rocked those pajamas and started a minimalist lifestyle? A few pictures, some flowers, were everything that decorated the single room, after all.

“Same as yesterday, looking apathetically through the window and scrolling down on the phone. Though I must admit, the first activity was by far the superior one. Managed some good rankings on PUBG too.”

“That’s the most jaded I’ve ever seen you, honestly. What have you done to Yoohyeon and where is she?”

“Do not worry, my friend. It shall happen to you too in due time. I just took the shorter path and didn’t wait until fourth year of uni to realize how shitty everything is.”

“Wow.”

“Sorry, I just had to let it out somehow. If I had known, I would have just ditched highschool and embraced the fansite life before it was too late. Nothing has been the same ever since Wonder Girls disbanded, you know? _Why-y I’m so lonelyyyy~_ ”

“Given that what you say doesn’t even make sense anymore, I guess it’s good I came by?”

“Yes. Please, come often. Boredom will kill me before the illness does.”

It was hard not to notice the disapproving look on Siyeon’s face over her delicate choice of words. Being sarcastic sure was fun, but rightly so, out of character for her. Yoohyeon was more of a candid optimistic, so, if she worked on it enough, maybe she could become jaded for real, and even be good at it? She would have to think it over later.

In the meantime, no dying jokes to Siyeon, noted.

“Sorry again. And thank you for coming, I’m genuinely happy to see you. Insik-ahjussi is very nice, but we can only talk for so long.”

She gave her friend a warm smile, reverting back to her usual gentle self.

Insik was the ahjussi Siyeon had seen that other day, and when Yoohyeon finally decided to stop being a broody mess and was in good shape enough to step out her room, she eventually met him properly. Someone his age had many fascinating tales to tell, that Yoohyeon could listen to endlessly, but their conversations rarely lasted more than thirty minutes on good days. There wasn’t much else she could do, apart from her phone or watching shallow TV programs in the common area.

That’s why she was grateful Siyeon overcame the subway ride to Incheon to visit her when her schedule allowed it. They talked about everything and nothing, from classes and annoying groupmates to the latest pub she had gone to with her club, anything that was also part of her daily routine a short while ago. It was refreshing and Siyeon _de facto_ made it interesting.

She would be allowed to go back home when her condition stabilized, so their promises of trying new places that had recently opened or hit the pc bang together again weren’t empty ones, but she didn’t have a clue as to when they’d be able to fulfill them. It also didn’t change her overall situation, and there was no saying in which state she’d be in a few months.

Yoohyeon wasn’t ashamed to think she was somehow already living vicariously through her friend. After all, why couldn't she ? Everyone does it, even if they don’t realize it.

Siyeon’s smile, clear, soothing voice and random stories painted some life over the white walls, even though at times, she worried that her friend forced herself to go out more than usual, just so she had more things to tell her about the outside world.

Siyeon had been her partner in crime for years, but the older girl had always been the homebody out of the two. Maybe Yoohyeon was just extrapoling on her new analytic skills, maybe Siyeon decided to use the time they didn’t get to spend together differently. Whatever it was, she respected it and in case it was the second option, certainly she was willing to hear all about it.

“Also, I’ve brought you something. As much as I love hearing your spouting nonsense about Wonder Girls, you said so yourself, you’re bored. You can’t evade in the real world, might as well escape to virtual ones.”

“Oh my god.”

What Siyeon had taken from her bag was a Switch and Yoohyeon swore she could feel the stars constellating her own eyes when she caught sight of the console. She excitedly looked at it from all angles as if it were a piece of art, under the amused gaze of her friend, before turning back to her to make sure they were on the same page. The latter only shrugged.

“I’m busy with classes at the moment so I’m lending it to you in the meantime. Just give it back when you get home.”

Yoohyeon threw herself – not really, obviously – at her for the tightest hug she could produce.

They played together for a while. Siyeon’s more than uncertain handling of everything along with other things raised a few flags in her mind but the blue shell coming right for her made her forget about it.

And just before Siyeon left, she remembered.

“What about Japan?”

“What about Japan?”

“Your trip. Weren’t you supposed to go this year?”

“Oh. Hmm. I’ll go later. It’s not ideal with the boycott and stuff, so, yeah. Later. Anyway, I have to go. See you.”

“Hmm? Okay, get home safely.”

Yoohyeon didn’t press on the subject, waving back instead to the retreating silhouette. This could have potentially been a very dangerous discussion. Only she didn’t know for whom.

That must have been the most unconvincing reply ever made by Siyeon in their whole history of friendship. Like she’d care about the boycott when she’d just bought the finest of Japan’s soft power. Because she was sure of it, the girl had barely unpacked and set it up before coming. She had even hesitated to find the power button. She also wasn’t that busy with classes or she wouldn’t hang out so much here or with her club.

She sighed.

No, Siyeon spent her precious money for her instead of going on the trip she’d dreamt of for years, because ‘later’ was a word she could use without thinking too hard and one that Yoohyeon used carefully.

She was becoming too good at observing and connecting the dots, it seemed.

The reality-check hurt a bit.

Night fell on her lonely room of the 7th floor, but sleep didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Readers, you have my admiration and warmest regards to have jumped into this without knowing anything. I hope you stick around, but I also understand if you don't, it's up to you. You can now reread with the info you got here... Some might say 'it's Yoohyeon again' and well, I didn't start writing with any character in mind, hence that weird previous chapter, but Yoohyeon strikes me as a genuinely open-minded person who constantly challenges her perception of the world, and this is precisely why it had to be her. Lemme know if you agree (or disagree!) and of course any feedback is welcome ;)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/holdmymilktea)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/holdmymilktea)


	3. How soon is now?

“I met this girl yesterday. She flirted with me and then asked me if I had decided where I wanted to die.”

“Sorry, what?”

“That’s exactly what I told her!”

“No but like, seriously, what?”

“Which word did you not understand?”

“All of them. You’re not making a lot of sense these days.”

Okay, maybe Yoohyeon summed it up too much for Siyeon to have this reaction. Understandably, there were several points that would be up for questioning. Mainly: the girl and the flirting. She wasn’t sure her friend wanted to hear about the last part too but, oh well. It wasn’t everyday she had so much to tell about her day.

* * *

When Yoohyeon said she couldn’t go anywhere, that wasn’t exactly accurate. It was more of a feeling than a reality. Compared to other patients in the hospital, she had come to learn that the 7th floor occupants enjoyed some privileges, one of which being they could roam around relatively freely, even after the lights were out, as long as they didn’t overdo it and came back on time for their check-ups.

The sun had reappeared after a few days of hiding behind gray clouds, so Yoohyeon decided to enjoy a short walk in the garden. She didn’t really know what she hoped for with this outing but the feeling of the wind and warm sun rays on her face not being hindered by the fifteen centimeter gap of the window felt refreshing enough to lift her spirits a bit, even if it was admittedly still a bit cold outside.

She observed the other people there for a while. Doctors on a short break sipping on coffee to last till the end of their shift, patients with their families, nothing out of the ordinary. She could only see blue bracelets or no bracelet at all. That’s how the world went there. People came and went, but never stopped. The hospital was a crossing point, but for most, never a final stop for them. That was precisely why they came here after all, to get better and resume their life feeling anew, hopefully so. Which wasn’t her case.

In that moment, Yoohyeon felt weirdly estranged from what she was witnessing. As if the world had cracked somewhere and she got stuck in a separate place where she didn’t get to have a future, because her body was apparently weaker than others’. She still only had a vague sense of what was happening, but she wouldn’t deny the thought scared a tiny part of her. However she didn’t want it to slip through and get bigger.

But reality was becoming abstract, that was a fact.

She couldn’t relate to what she was seeing.

She closed her eyes, trying to forget about this reality that was losing its meaning.

The wind kept blowing gently in her face, and she even thought she heard birds chirping. It wasn't much, yet it was enough to soothe her and sweep her worries away.

Content, she made her way back to the 7th floor, to pay Insik a visit. She had tried playing video games with him but the latter found it all too complicated so they stuck to discussions only. Not that she minded, he seemed even more exhausted these days.

Only, when she arrived to the lounge, there was something unusual.

There was a girl, if the long black hair she saw was anything to go by, watching some boring program on the television. She hadn’t heard of anyone new being admitted to the ward and actually, she wondered if she would be informed of such thing. She was also sure that there was no one else here but her and her ahjussi friend, unless... But, she digressed.

Yoohyeon could have simply passed by and gone directly to Insik’s room, but she chose instead to politely say hello to the stranger, loud enough for her voice to be heard over the television.

The girl was visibly startled by the unexpected greeting. Her shoulders rose quickly and right after, she stilled all movement for a second. She then brought her hand to her heart in order to calm down before turning around to Yoohyeon, who felt insanely stupid for scaring someone like that in a hospital. That girl could have a heart condition for all she knew, damn it. She already had so much to deal with, she didn’t want to be held responsible for someone’s death. Would it even be her fault? Would she go to jail?

* * *

“I don’t care about your qualms, Yoohyeon. She was just surprised. Straight to the point, she flirted with you? Is she pretty?”

Her friend was sitting cross-leg on the chair, and leant her upper body forward, using her arms as support. If she leant any further, she would probably fall from her chair.

“I’m setting context! Don’t undermine my efforts to make this entertaining! You’re the one who asked for details, I’m giving that to you. Now, shush.”

Siyeon sure was getting too impatient and enthusiastic over the prospect of her developing a romantic interest with a random girl who, she hadn’t mention yet, was also an occupant of the 7th floor aka, as doomed as her. That certainly wasn’t going to be the case, as Siyeon had forgotten about the last part of her earlier statement, but since she shamelessly asked for the story, Yoohyeon would deliver.

* * *

This was an hospital, so Yoohyeon didn’t really dwell on the girl’s physical traits when she finally saw her surprised face behind the glasses. What she noticed, however, was the pajamas she wore, identical to her own, which only confirmed her assumptions that she was a patient and not a visitor, further reinforced by the white vinyl piece around her wrist. There was no mistaking on that one. She had gotten used to seeing her own, but seeing it on other people, even Insik’s, brought her an uneasy feeling.

She watched her expression turn from surprised to incredibly warm.

“Have I ascended to heaven already?”

“Sorry, what?”

“Because my eyes are seeing an angel right now.”

Taken aback at first because she was never good at dealing with shameless flirting, Yoohyeon briefly considered that the girl might have been on very high medication because there was no other reason first meetings in an hospice care should go like this. That or she was just very bored and used bad pick-up lines as a means of self-expression, just like Yoohyeon rambled about her missed opportunity of a lifetime as a Yeeun fansite. To each their own way of losing their mind, she guessed.

Seeing that it didn’t work as Yoohyeon stood there deadpaning, the girl opted for a more conventional approach at engaging conversation. She got up then walked over calmly, introducing herself as Jiu, a few years older than her and well, a 7th floor resident. There wasn’t need for more than that in this place, but apparently Yoohyeon was wrong.

“So, sweetie, how many times has it been?”

“Excuse me?”

“On the 7th floor.”

“Uh, one?”

Jiu paused for a few seconds, crossing her arms, as if the newly-revealed fact enlightened her.

“I see. No wonder I’d never seen you before. What have you decided, then?”

Now, Yoohyeon really felt like a complete idiot answering all questions asked to her by asking for clarifications. What was she supposed to have decided on? She racked her brain to come up with a decent reply for once but failed again.

It was like Jiu expected her to understand her cryptic questions as if they were both part of a secret club or something. Her tone had also dropped to a more serious one, even though she kept smiling, which she did find a bit creepy at first, and oddly intriguing after. Had Yoohyeon missed orientation day for the 7th floor or what? Just let a girl live what’s left of her short life in peace and discuss the boring programs on television or her ahjussi buddy’s extraordinary past. Her head was starting to hurt, but Jiu still wasn't done.

“Where you’ll die. Here or at home?”

That was it.

She rubbed her temples and decided to finally be honest and admit her lack of command over the conversation, even though that must have been painfully obvious to anyone who’d witness the scene. Jiu let out a small disheartened sigh, then took a seat at a nearby table. Yoohyeon did the same, sensing that the older girl had found the problem in their current speaking at cross-purposes. 

Jiu thought for a while, then looked back at her with concern.

“Did Insik-ahjussi tell you anything about this place, sweetheart?”

Again with the endearments. Yoohyeon could have been flustered in a different situation, but the subject of the conversation still didn’t call for it and only felt indifferent to it. She labelled it self-expression for good and focused again.

She could only shake her head no. From him, not much. Was she supposed to? Her whole encounter with Jiu screamed that she was, but she had no idea what about. From her own observations, that they weren’t waiting for ‘medical breakthrough’ like the doctors had presented it to her before she signed the admittance papers. She wasn’t so convinced either by the ‘healing of the heart’ part that had followed, but that was probably the nicest way to put it. Anyway, one thing was sure, they wouldn’t be cured and awaiting miracles was about as futile as queuing a week in advance for a show with numbered seats. More efforts, same result. She wouldn’t be blinded by her optimism. The care they received here was only of comfort and convenience. She didn’t understand why they tried to sell it as something else.

In front of her, Jiu listened intently, head propped on one hand, nodding along her reasonings. It was incredible how their conversation had shifted one eighty in the span of five minutes, but that seemed to happen to her a lot more frequently these days. The older girl wasn’t all smiley anymore, but she remained welcoming and soft-spoken. In a genuine way, not an awkward or pitiful one. She appreciated that.

At the same time, could you feel pity for someone who was in the same situation as you?

“I think you got most of it down. But you see, there are ‘rules’ here. Insik-ahjussi probably thought they were too complicated for him to tell you, he always says that when younger people try to make him do something out of his way.”

“That, I can agree on.”

“I guess, I’ll tell you myself then. It's my duty. Or else, there wouldn’t be anyone to pass on the rules… That would be troublesome...”

* * *

"..."

“That’s it?”

“Umm, yeah. She was lost in thoughts and got called by a nurse afterwards.”

“That ending was so anti-climatic. Hyeonie, that’s not even flirting, you just stood there like an idiot! I’m asking for a refund.”

“Yah, my life isn’t a drama, have some respect! I had to grab your attention from the get go. Can’t say it didn’t work.”

Yoohyeon sufficiently huffed. She would have gladly accompanied her words with a playful shove, if she wasn't lying in bed at the moment.

“You'd have my attention anyways. But, you still haven’t said. Is she pretty or not?”

“Is that the only thing you’re interested in? How she looks like? You’re not even curious about those rules? I mean, who flirts by asking where you want to die? And this is an hospital, not-”

“That’s beside the point. I’m just fascinated. What are the odds? I’m not saying you should have babies with her-”

“Siyeon!”

“I’m not saying that, geez! I’m messing with you, come on! I just think it would be nice for you to have someone to... connect with? Something like that. Just talking, really. Don’t say you’d mind having someone else around, I know you.”

Siyeon sent her a knowing gaze to which Yoohyeon couldn’t retort anything smart, because the girl was completely right. No matter how weird that first exchange had gone.

“And about those rules… I guess you could say I’m curious…”

There was a lot of cautiousness in the way Siyeon spoke.

“But?”

Her friend once again looked around the room, for the first time that day, only more distressed compared to before. She paused at the window, focusing on the distance, then looked at her.

“But... do I want to know? Shit, Yoohyeon, this is not a game. This, it’s real. I’m here for you... you have to know that. But if, when you learn about those rules, for whatever reason, you decide... it’s best I don’t know, I’ll respect it. That’s why, I’m not asking. I just can’t...”

Siyeon had a hard time containing her emotions that she paused several times in her speech to make sure her voice didn’t crack. By the time she finished, she accepted the tissue Yoohyeon had silently handed to her.

Yoohyeon frowned. She doubted Siyeon had the audacity to break news to her and was probably saying it more to herself, but it did hit some strings inside her. Yoohyeon had still been very focused on herself, clumsily navigating between all of her feelings blindly as they came, but she realized what her being in this room meant for those around her. There was nothing she found appropriate to say. And nothing that would make the situation better.

She watched her friend compose herself again, gently dabbing the tissue onto the corner of her eyes.

“Thanks. Also... if it’s best I don’t but you _need_ me to, don’t hesitate, even for a second. I’ll understand. Not just that, anything... I’ll understand.”

Ah…

When Siyeon said this looking at her in the eye, piercing through her, it seemed to go past their current conversation and anything they had ever shared to each other before. It wasn’t just her lending an ear to her troubles, which she already did with such a diligence that Yoohyeon already felt bad enough.

Their situation was anything but normal and her ‘troubles’ were reaching metaphysical heights. They had a lot to sort out, get out of the way before it was too late. Siyeon unknowingly told her that, like a plea, underneath her efforts to distract her from the heaviness by keeping the conversation light-hearted while pledging to accept anything unconditionally. Yoohyeon would have to do something for her too.

Not now, but at some point.

She had to sort it out on her side first.

Mentally promising herself to find a way to word what she wanted to say, she nodded and Siyeon smiled.

“Now that my makeup is ruined, tell me. Is she pretty or not? You not telling means there's something, I'm sure of it.”

"..."

Siyeon really was the bestest friend Yoohyeon could ever ask for, right?

“Hey Singnie, I love you.”

The words flew on their own. Simply, naturally. It wasn’t the first nor the last time she had said them, but it was what she could do for today. 

“I know your gay wants to show, but I’m asking about another girl.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, dumbass.”

“I know. And I love you too, dumbass.”

They both laughed at the silly confession.

“So?”

“Well… Yeah, she’s pretty, but there was something else about her, I don’t really know what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here is a pic of [baby red pandas](https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/10/24/article-2222304-15A7E9E4000005DC-511_964x475.jpg), because we all need it. So... I think I got some of you confused about who is in that car, or rather... isn't. Well, it wasn't my intention but it should be clearer now :')
> 
> Take care and stay strong,
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/holdmymilktea)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/holdmymilktea)


	4. D2: Scarlet

Yoohyeon woke up groaning to the rising sun, her limbs sore and her eyes dry from tears she hadn’t even shed. Sleep had been difficult to achieve, and she was pretty sure she spent half of the night fighting off the thoughts in her head more than getting much needed rest, which precisely meant letting go of the aforementioned thoughts.

She instinctively shifted around, stretching her arms and legs as she could within the small space she was in and delivered a few more unintelligible sounds to no one, before realizing, almost with shock, that whatever she was lying on at the moment was too uncomfortable to be a bed. Either that or the person who went with the idea was in for a beating. Even when she was mainly at fault for her own disturbed sleep, it was still precious enough for her to break out of her pacifist ways.

She opened her eyes, blinking in a meager attempt to adjust to the daylight and make the dryness go away at the same time. It didn’t work, but at least now she could take in her environment.

That’s when it all came back to her.

First, she wasn’t in her room – something she should have noticed immediately from the obvious lack of curtains, but in her parents’ car. Second, she wasn’t alone but with Jiu, running away from the hospital. She slapped a hand on her mouth when she gasped at the memory, hoping she didn’t wake up the other traveler with her mini panic attack. They were on the run, kinda. Okay. It sounded cool enough to word it that way. Third, they were too broke to afford sleeping somewhere else. Fourth...

She shook her head instead of following her train of thoughts. Four was never a good number for them anyway, so she stopped the backlog there. She then brought her gaze on Jiu, who thankfully hadn’t noticed anything. She used to be a light sleeper, the woman had told her, but right now she could distinctly hear the slightly heavier breathing of someone sleeping.

Jiu had to be lying, if there was someone who looked like an angel, it certainly was her. Even when the illness had obviously taken a toll on her physically, Yoohyeon thought she remained so beautiful. Her eyes so soft gazing at her, at anyone, and her smile, which never left her face for more than passing moments, no matter how much pain it was hiding. Or was it her own vision and judgement that degraded at the same time? They were in their own world, it didn’t matter. And she was still in her right mind.

As she watched her, she noticed the blanket had slipped during the night, leaving her partly exposed, even if she had kept her jacket on. That probably explained why she seemed to shiver a bit.

She should have taken more clothes. Maybe waited for a day before leaving to prepare more. Gather more money. Why didn’t she think about it earlier? It didn’t have to be like this, did it?

She huffed.

What a joke.

Of course it didn’t have to, why was she even asking?

It was a good thing they were around the same height as her clothes seemed to fit perfectly on the older. Even though she had chosen more comfortable outfits just to make sure, they both enjoyed a pajama-ridden trip and she wouldn’t deny she felt a tiny bit of pride with the other wearing her clothes. She just hadn’t thought about bringing warmer ones, there was her mistake.

But it was useless to bother about something that was already done.

Yoohyeon readjusted the blanket on her companion and topped it with her own jacket.

Left in her t-shirt, she sighed, running a hand through her hair.

Even this early in the morning, it wasn’t that cold.

The thoughts came back.

She understood.

She understood like no one else would ever do. She simply wasn’t sure she was ready to accept. Being okay with something was often very different than being actually confronted to it, and sadly this was no exception. There was no past to discuss, as they could only go forward. Yoohyeon wouldn’t be the one to decide whether they turn back or not.

She understood, she told herself one last time.

She didn’t know when Jiu would wake up, and certainly she wouldn’t wake her up unnecessarily, which left her with some extra time on her hands. Not that she had anything else to do with it.

She lied back again on the seat, hands intertwined behind her head to watch the sunrise through the windshield. The town was slowly waking up, coming back to life, sounds echoing in the silence and resonating through her soul, bathing in the golden light she always sought when she went on her photography outings. Soft and coloring perfectly what she saw through the lens, with a sensitivity unmatched to the human eye.

Not overexposing, not shadowing, just perfect.

That led her to wonder.

Who was Jiu to her?

It was a difficult question, one to which she didn’t know any truth. However, that wasn’t necessarily a problem in itself. She could keep searching for the answer.

Real doesn’t mean true, she remembered.

Another 7th room resident?

Not another. The other resident. It was only them.

A friend?

Too simple. While it was true to some extent, it didn’t grasp the complexity of their relationship.

A lover?

Jiu’s constant use of terms of endearments could be confusing, but they weren’t dating either. Heck, the closest they ever got to a date was the restaurant dinner the previous night. There was no doubt Jiu was the reason behind the fluttering feelings in her chest, but unacted upon in the usual understanding of the term, it wasn’t that.

Yoohyeon resorted to refer to Jiu as a companion.

In their common misfortune, it was the best she could come up with. They shared their burdens and struggles, emancipated from it and now chased together after a freedom she once thought they lost.

The easiest was of course to say that Jiu was Jiu. Nothing more, nothing less, her own essence personified in Yoohyeon’s world and imposing herself as such, through her simple existence. To which any attempt of a definition would inevitably degrade her perfection.

There was beauty to Jiu, beyond what Yoohyeon saw and beyond what she could intelligibly convey.

It had reached that point.

Jiu had such an impact on her.

But yes, she could be her companion.

It sounded right.

Before her, deep scarlet hues turned to a lighter shade of red, then orange, then yellow.

Clearer and clearer, irremediably, blinding.

The sun rose and she closed her eyes.

* * *

“ _I want nobody, nobody but you~ I want nobody, nobody but you~ I don’t want anyone else, it’s you or no one~_ ”

“Really? Out of all songs? You’re gonna make me sad. I might believe it.”

Their convenience store meal sure was more animated than the previous day had been in its entirety, listening to how Jiu suddenly took it upon herself to reform Yoohyeon’s ultimate girl group all on her own. Her voice was soft almost like a lullaby albeit a bit weak and though she regularly interrupted herself to take a bite of her gimbap, switching to humming more than actual singing, it felt nice to see the playfulness come back. She must have been too tired the day before. Yoohyeon hadn’t realized how much she had gotten used to it and missed it. It was basically the woman’s trademark.

“Aren’t we sad girls already, darling?”

On the subject of endearments, the older woman was never running out of those and didn’t seem tired of using them either, to the point that Yoohyeon sometimes thought about sending her rationality through the window, only to drive over it with the car. Something she would gladly do, if she hadn’t left it in Incheon.

She chuckled at the obvious statement.

“Touché. But I forgive you because it’s Wonder Girls and no one’s better than them.”

“That’s one bold statement. Not even me?”

“You’re their hidden member, you’ve just proved it. Which means you’ve successfully earned the title of eternal goddess to me.”

Regardless, she knew Jiu always spoke genuinely, otherwise she didn’t bother opening her mouth and kept to herself. They just didn’t put the same meaning on every word, yet still managed to understand each other, weirdly enough. So sometimes, indulging in didn’t feel too bad, even good, if she dared say so.

“Wow… I’m touched. But wait, if I’m a goddess, wouldn’t that make us a match made in heaven, angel?”

But if she lied… Yoohyeon didn’t particularly mind, she was a willing accomplice.

She saw through it anyway.

And if they both know it’s a lie, then it’s not a lie anymore.

“We’re bound to find out someday, right?”

"Haha, sure we are."

Jiu chuckled. She didn't believe any of it, of course.

The woman contentedly took a bite and started another song. She picked it up right in the middle but Yoohyeon immediately recognized it. She wasn’t a Yeeun stan for nothing.

“ _I learnt how to face the pressing fear and fight against it~ I, I, I only got wiser~_ ”

Jiu’s playfulness was definitely through the roof today. As for Yoohyeon, she didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or cry at the new choice of song. She instead joined in, exaggeratedly belting to match the lyrics as if mocking everything that had ever been imposed on her.

“ _I, I, I’m Iron girl~_ ”

“ _I’ll be alive, will survive, the main character never dies~_ ”

* * *

For a newbie in driving, Yoohyeon thought she was doing a pretty good job at it. She was really getting used to the vehicle and its commands, and the fact that the roads were quite empty helped make her more comfortable, even if she remained at reasonable speed. She doubted she was supposed to go near a steering wheel, with her medication. Well, that was too late to think about that. At least, getting this license hadn’t been a complete waste of time.

She allowed herself to glance at her right. Her passenger, who sometimes entertained her with random thoughts or another singing performance, or simply made her aware of her presence from unintentional coughing, was also focused on the road.

Now that she thought about it, she wondered if Jiu had really left on a whim like she claimed or if she had planned everything but just never went through it. Sure, she guided them, but only general directions like ‘go towards Daejeon’ and other similar milestones. If it were about going south, anyone, with basic geographical knowledge of the country, could do so, Yoohyeon included. However, she did say she had a place in mind.

So Yoohyeon followed the instructions while staying on smaller roads, the expressway being too expensive to use, and Jiu seconded her on paying attention to the road signs.

“Ah, can you make a turn here?”

“Uh? Sure.”

Soon enough, the parking lot came into view. There was largely enough space not to, but she did her best to park cleanly. Since she was brushing up her skills, might as well commit to it. Jiu was watching her amusedly, not really understanding where the overzealousness came from.

Once she was done, she quickly got off the vehicle to check how she did. Not bad, maybe she was just naturally gifted for maneuvers but less for actual driving.

“Are you going to admire the car all day long?”

“I might do just that, thanks for the suggestion.”

Jiu linked their arms together and they walked up the nearby path leading to the entrance.

“I thought you’d lost faith.”

“It’s never too late to change your mind, isn’t it? But if I’m being honest, it’s not so much for a religious belief that I wanted to stop here.”

Yoohyeon had absolutely no idea where they were, but it was beautiful. The temple was peaceful, remote in the mountains that even the few tourists taking pictures wouldn’t break the serenity of the place. You could only hear the rustling of leaves and bloomed flowers blown by the wind.

As soon as they removed their shoes and entered the main shrine hall, Yoohyeon fetched cushions for them to be more comfortable. Jiu took one, thanked her then knelt on it.

It had been long since the younger woman had done that and she didn’t know why, but she felt slightly intimidated. The last time was probably during her childhood, when she wouldn’t ask too many questions about what her parents told her to do. Literally a decade ago. She would sometimes pray for New Year, or before important events, but never assiduously. She personally didn’t believe in the existence of God or deities, not that it mattered when it came to Buddhism, but she did find it peculiar that Jiu of all people would request a stop at a temple.

Not too far, someone was completing their prostrations, standing up and kneeling down repeatedly in a steady rhythm. She wasn’t in the proper physical condition to do the same, but she could probably draw some spiritual energy from them and like Jiu was probably doing, bowing next to her, she put her entire mind to her prayer.

She inspired deeply, and lowered her head to the ground, until it almost touched it.

She bowed... for herself, for Jiu and for their journey.

She bowed… for Siyeon, Gahyeon and the people who genuinely took care of them.

She bowed… for the wind, which always made her feel better.

Was Jiu looking for something that she could only find here? Was it the so-called ‘healing of the heart’? To Yoohyeon it didn’t really make a difference where she was, but she did admit there was a certain solemnity coming to a place like this. It made it more special, even if she couldn’t explain why.

They stayed some more, relishing in the peaceful atmosphere, before exiting.

“If it’s not religious, do you believe in something, then?”

The question deserved to be asked, for someone who had once decided to reject everything she believed in.

“I do! It’s not because I spend my time reading deep stuff that I let go of everything in this world! I doubt I could ever do that... What I believe in, however, is a secret.”

Jiu placed her forefinger in front of her mouth, then winked mischievously. The woman was walking backwards, which added to the impression of carefreeness, though she occasionally looked behind her to make sure she wouldn’t hit something. 

“Okay.”

Yoohyeon was too busy watching out as well to reply, because, as they were holding hands again, an accident could easily end up a double tragedy with them not being able to catch the other. She wasn’t especially actively seeking to kiss the floor so soon again.

“Come on, that’s not fun if you don’t insist.”

She raised her brows, skeptical. She looked right at Jiu’s eyes, but the woman didn’t seem bothered by it and kept smiling.

“...”

“Fin-AAAH!”

Suddenly, her foot gripped on something. She felt gravity pull her down, and tried to catch herself on what she could, in vain. Her knee touched the ground first, the shock making her hiss at the throbbing pain. Jiu followed right after, toppling over her ungracefully. She groaned this time, more because of the unexpected weight on her back than actual pain.

So much for watching out.

A battle of apologies later, which ended with the ground getting blamed for existing and being where it was, they were back at the car, cleaning the small scratches they had on their hands. Thankfully, nothing too serious. Her knee wasn’t hurting too much either, so it wouldn’t bother her when she’d drive.

She resumed their conversation.

“So, what do you believe in?”

“Oh.” 

Jiu visibly hadn’t expected the question to make its comeback. She thought for a moment, before breaking into a smile.

“I believe… in cute and clumsy girls with bewildered expressions, just like the one in front of me!”

That was underwhelmingly unsurprising. She could change her mind but she wouldn’t change. She looked way too proud of having clowned her again, laughing freely without hiding her mouth. To make it worse, with her free hand, Jiu reached for the younger’s head, and gently patted her hair.

Yoohyeon could only shoot back a glare and an annoyed pout, making Jiu laugh even more.

"You’re having fun, aren’t you, huh?"

"Much more than you can imagine!"

With the amount of reading and thinking she had done, Jiu probably held onto the secrets of the whole universe and beyond, but guess Yoohyeon would never know.

* * *

The car ran, as usual. There wasn’t much change to the scenery, but the sound of the engine had definitely become their third companion.

The idea of a road trip had always sounded glamorous to her. Well, glamorous in the sense of being completely cool, wild and free and any other eye-catching adjective you could come up with to boast to your friends. Unrestricted roaming. Stopping and going wherever your heart led you to. Want to take a break? Sure. Want to make a detour to see the view from that platform over there? Sure, why not?

Along with future professional purposes, it had admittedly been one of her hidden motivations in taking driving lessons. She found it completely absurd that one of her wishes had been granted now out of all times. Yet, even if it was challenging, it made her feel something.

Not because she had dreamt of it – she definitely hadn’t imagined it to be like this. Convenience store gimbap to eat, wipes for a shower, uncomfortable car seats as beds and way too many stops just to rest. It had to be the worst road trip ever in the history of road trips.

No, it had more to do with the fact that she was doing something she thought she couldn’t.

Her heart swelled; she was starting to get it.

She wiped imaginary sweat off her eyebrows with one tired movement of her wrist. Ever since her companion had finally given her the name of the place she wanted to go to, she had felt compelled to reach it today. They had filled the tank shortly after their mockup spiritual awakening, cutting their resources from a lot, which eventually drove Jiu to disclose her objective earlier than she had initially wanted.

Admittedly pushing herself a little to achieve that, she told herself that she could do it, after each kilometer, that she could go on for another one. And after that, that another one wouldn’t be so far.

It would have taken anyone else only half a day to reach their destination, maybe a little more if you took a break. That was the perk of living in such a small country, you could cross it ridiculously fast. It took them three times as long, but finally the portuary city was in view.

“Jiu?”

At the lack of response, Yoohyeon turned her head and noticed that her companion had dozed off. All that singing and moving around must have used up a lot of energy. She put her hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her to tell her the good news.

“Hey, Jiu, wake up. Jiu.”

After a few more seconds, the older woman stirred awake, her face scrunching in discomfort at the disturbance.

“What is it… ?”

Jiu brought a hand up to rub her eyes, yawning, only to realize she still had her glasses on.

“Uh...”

Witnessing the whole process, Yoohyeon couldn’t help but let a chuckle escape. She had rarely seen her as disoriented as now. It’s like their roles were reversed.

“We made it. We’re in Tongyeong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter is [Scarlet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOu-4Vrobnw) from the Narcissu OST, and [Amor Fati](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CV79UklhHU) by Epik High. Actually, I thought about the 1st chapter while practicing Scarlet on the piano, it's a piece that I like a lot and one of the few I can still play :')  
> If you want to learn a bit more about the 108 prostrations in Korean Buddhism, you can read [this blog article](https://jonnyontheroad.blogspot.com/2010/09/108-bows-108-korean-buddhism.html).  
> Thanks for reading and take care,


	5. Blizzard

That morning, Yoohyeon was greeted with the news of Insik’s temporary discharge. While a part of her felt upset to lose a chatting partner, she was glad he could be closer to his family, which surely would give him strength, given how fondly he talked about them. She wouldn’t want for anyone to stay longer than intended in-between the walls of the 7th floor, when they had much better options.

What it meant, however, was that there was only one other person she could talk with. Needless to say, and even if she hadn’t mentionned it fully to Siyeon, her first encounter with Jiu had left her hanging with questions. Notably, a very important one.

“Are you part of a religious cult?”

Pardon her, but with the poor record of her early uni days, she had to make sure she would stay clear of something shady, before she could legitimately refer to Jiu as 'the pretty girl with glasses from the 7th floor who asks extremely bothering questions'. Once in a lifetime was enough, so that was the very first thing she asked her.

She didn’t want to think of herself as vulnerable, but facts were, she wasn’t sure herself she was thinking properly. Hence her question. In hindsight, it was probably as stupid as it sounded. If the other patient had ulterior motives, she could perfectly trick her into any lie she wanted. How would she even know?

Though a part of her would be immensely sad to find out someone so gentle-looking would be part of awful schemes and maybe, she should have never asked, because ignorance is bliss and she should preserve it as much as she could and go with the flow.

It was too late for second-guessing her decision, as the older girl acknowledged her presence by looking up at her curiously from the couch, then closed the book she was reading to give her attention.

“Honey, you do realize… this is a christian hospital, right?”

Jiu sounded a bit disconcerted, like the fact was so obvious the girl carefully considered going through the question from fear of offending her.

“I-I know! But that doesn’t answer the question.”

“Just making sure you were aware you’re bound to find very religious people here, for better or for worse. No one to force you into a cult, though. I think. As for me...”

She put her hand in her pajama pocket and took something out of it. Her gaze turned pensive as she let a golden chain dangle on her fingers. Hanging in the middle was a small christian cross, shining faintly from the surrounding light. They both silently observed it sway for a while, until Jiu spoke up again.

“Catholic christian. But not anymore. Up to you to decide how dangerous that makes me, angel. I don’t have the energy to debate on that.”

Jiu finished with a smile, then safely put the chain back to its previous spot.

“...”

There was probably more to it, but she didn’t know enough to pay attention. There was seemingly no cult to be abducted by, which meant one thing less to worry about. Now came the second question...

“Is it about the rules? Don’t worry, they have nothing to do with that! They’re only in-between the 7th floor residents. No one but us.”

Jiu waved her hands in front of her, physically dismissing the idea.

“Surely we don’t stay long enough to be forming cults... But that’s right, I should tell you now, since we got interrupted last time. Are you free right now?”

“Yes, what else could I be doing?”

“I don’t know? I mean, maybe you don’t want to talk to me and needed a way to politely avoid me, sweetheart. That or you have a specific routine at this very specific time that would prevent you from being available. No one here is the same, I wouldn’t judge.”

Given how Yoohyeon was literally the one engaging conversation, she had a hard time believing Jiu really thought she wouldn’t talk with her. Why did she have to make everything so complicated? Was the pouting necessary? She was for sure very expressive with her face and it just really didn’t add up to the 7th floor, where everyone was nice but never near friendly. The older girl brought her a lot of contradicting feelings.

“Ugh... You know what? It doesn’t matter. I want to know about those rules, just tell me.”

“Sure.”

Jiu took her book back in her lap, then gently patted the space next to her on the sofa, inviting Yoohyeon to join her. An odd sense of dread-laced expectation loomed over her as she did so, and she felt her heart beat slightly faster.

“So…”

Although in the end, Yoohyeon was still a curious mind and this place was the only one she could learn about at the moment. Maybe knowing about its inner-workings would bring her an epiphany, or at least something. She wasn’t too demanding.

Jiu obliged, and she listened carefully, not wanting to miss any of it, but there wasn’t much to listen to, it was all incredibly simple.

“Rule number one.”

“The third time you’re given a temporary discharge is also the last, and you should prepare yourself when that happens. There is never a fourth time.”

“Rule number two.”

“If you want to run away, go to station B, not station A.”

“Rule number three.”

“If you want to make it fast, don’t eat. It’ll be a lesser burden on your family.”

Such were the rules of the 7th floor, that she would have to pass on as well someday, when another patient would be admitted. They were obvious, but she didn’t want to think about the implications of that last part.

Yoohyeon wouldn’t say that she was surprised, on the contrary. Her heart went absurdly calm, like a part of her accepted and the part that could show some reservation idly stood by without doing anything.

Jiu had the decency to drop the cheerful tone when going through them, and spoke with an almost emotionless, indifferent voice from which Yoohyeon couldn’t detect any judgement on it. As if they were carved in stone and it wasn’t her place to express an opinion when she instructed them to a new person. And that prompted her to listen in a detached way as well, to ask questions like it wasn’t them they were talking about, though she did use this opportunity to learn more about Jiu.

The older girl was back from her first temporary discharge, which explained why they had never met before. She wasn’t cooped up in her room like Yoohyeon had thought, she simply wasn’t there. Though now that she returned, she was too tired to spend too much time even in the common area. She also didn’t really know why station B over station A, but there was a shop that had delicious manjoo and had advised Yoohyeon should really try them if she had the opportunity. The extra comment sounded so lunatic at the moment it almost made her forget the nature of their discussion. Almost, but she was getting used to her unconventional replies.

Bound within these rules, the occupants of the 7th floor were implicitly left to choose either the hospital or their home to spend their last moments. Jiu asked her again, tilting her head to the side in an innocent manner contrasting yet again with the darkness of what she heard. Yoohyeon, though not as surprised as the first time, still didn’t know and returned the question, hoping that the reply would tell her how much care she should give her choice.

After a few seconds, the dark-haired girl pointed towards her room, before elaborating.

“I think I’d just prefer it. Home hardly feels like home anyways... Maybe it’s too early for you, it’s okay. Just choose when it’s time.”

“Here or at home…”

A familiar place, where you spent most of your life and with all the memories that comes with it, good or bad. Or on the contrary, a neutral, almost dehumanized room. Yoohyeon didn’t let go and pondered some more on the question.

“None of those... seems right.”

Jiu looked surprised.

“How so?”

She didn’t really know why she said that, it just slipped unconsciously. Where else, she didn’t know, but that limited choice was making her uncomfortable. Where do people even… She couldn’t even say it.

Thinking back to the rules, she found surprising they would tell you how to leave while making you choose between two places without taking this into account. Surely there must have been people who tried for this rule to exist? She ignored Jiu’s question since she couldn’t answer it and followed her thoughts instead.

“Has no one ever run away from here?”

“Not that I’ve been told about.”

Looking down at her lap, Yoohyeon let out a disheartened sound, her mind empty. Again, it didn’t make sense.

“Hey, I know it can be a bit rash, but it’s important for you to know.”

“No, I guess that’s how it is... It’s just… how to say? It feels like there’s nothing left for us, like we’re already gone. However much I think about it, it never gets sorted out in my mind. And those rules? They just confirm it.”

“...”

"Come here."

Yoohyeon looked up a bit confused to the girl, who had her arms open and gestured for her to do the same. She was smiling again.

"You look like you could use a hug."

And when she saw that Yoohyeon was still not reacting, she just moved closer to embrace her.

“...”

It was warm and comforting. Grounding. So much that she found herself returning the hug and burying her head in her shoulder.

"You were right. Thanks."

"No need for that, angel. Right now... I'm the person who understands you the most, isn’t it weird? We don’t know each other."

“I guess.”

“I must tell you though, that’s also why you should never trust my judgement. Whatever I say or do, never trust it blindly. Please.”

Contrary to when she disclosed the content of the rules moments earlier, this time around, there was something in her voice. Not much, but she could tell. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any other reason to mention that, even less to ask for it. As she said, they’re strangers to each other, yet strangers who shared the same fate. A thousand other questions popped up in Yoohyeon’s mind, but she went with the most simple.

“What do you mean?”

The other patient didn’t reply immediately, which left Yoohyeon listening to the sound of her breathing against her ear.

“If I understand you the most, that also makes me the most dangerous person to you and I... don’t want to be that person, not to anyone in here.”

“It’s already a lot to take in, why don’t we talk about that another time?”

After she said that, and even though she was the one who offered, Jiu broke the embrace, grabbed her book and got up, excusing herself as she left. The sound of the elevator doors closing was the last thing she heard before the room returned to complete silence.

Now alone, Yoohyeon lied down on the couch and stared at the ceiling, thinking the whole exchange over.

* * *

A few hours after she received knowledge of the rules, the calm had just turned to numbness. She needed a lot more time than she thought to digest everything. Jiu was right once again, she wasn’t sure she would have been able to continue with a clear mind when she was barely floating atop her swarming thoughts.

She looked down at her plate, playing with her spoon distractedly. Her appetite had decreased so much with the medication that she didn’t see how she would fit pastries into her stomach anyway, if she were to try those manjoo.

Not eating at all, however…

It sounded so easy to end it…

Yet at the same time, so scary.

Turning to the window, she thought back to the fifteen centimeter gap that you could open it with. You could slip your arm through it, but that was about it. You couldn’t fit your head even if you tried really hard.

So it was to prevent people from jumping.

She’d never thought about it but it made a lot more sense.

She bore some more holes into the food, poking at it for good measure. Hunger was long gone, a tight knot growing in her stomach instead, and the plate didn’t even look that appetizing, but she half-heartedly took a bite. Tasteless.

Food wasn’t the only thing had lost its taste. The spices that made the world interesting to her slowly dissolved into nothingness. She had stopped studying, of course. She couldn’t explore, nor photograph, another one of her passions. The games she played offered a welcome distraction, but also sometimes felt pointless.

Lines were fading so much she didn’t know if she was still able to enjoy something genuinely. More than a witness to the outside, she felt like a witness to her own life. She didn’t felt like that all the time, but it was those moments that left the deepest impression on her. At the end of the day, there wasn’t much to look forward to.

That, and her encounters with Jiu, that always left her with more questions than answers. That girl was living on another planet, that had to be it. How could she keep smiling when they were stuck in such a place, surrounded by their impending fate? There was something escaping her. If Jiu had lost her faith, wouldn’t that bring her down instead? Not to mention the last thing she said, about not trusting her. While in some way it removed Yoohyeon’s last insecurities about shady businesses, it also made her wonder what the other patient so scared about. It was definitely hard reading Jiu’s expressions for it didn’t match her words, which were alarming to an extent. Yet she kept smiling and left without appearing too troubled.

She had to admit she was intrigued, probably too much for her own good.

What was different?

* * *

“Hey there.”

“Ah. It’s Wednesday already?”

With everything that happened in the morning, she had completely forgotten Siyeon was supposed to come.

“Yup. Don’t tell me you’re disappointed to see my magnificent face?”

“I don’t know about magnificent but of course not. Make yourself at home.”

Most visits of courtesy stopped long ago, when she was still an outpatient. Yoohyeon had always been the friendly type of girl and had no trouble making friends, far from that. Only she was at that bastard age of transitioning to the adult life, where everyone from high school went their separate way and lost sight of one another. The new bonds she’d formed after in university weren’t strong enough either, and Yoohyeon did find it extremely awkward to strike a conversation and randomly blurt about how she was doing these days.

She wasn’t too angry at people who knew but stopped coming. Well, she wasn’t anymore. It simply confirmed that some things weren’t meant to last forever and it could be better to just let go. After all, no hopes nor expectations equaled to no disappointments. Everyone had a busy life and she just wouldn’t be part of it.

Apart from her parents, only Siyeon remained, proudly. Hurt too, like she sometimes let through. Telling her to stop coming crossed her mind at times, but there were limits to how much she could lie to herself that she would be fine not seeing her dearest friend anymore. She was still a light in her heart. There wasn’t much to look forward to, but Siyeon’s visits were precious, how could she forget?

That however didn’t prevent the third rule from replaying in her head, poking annoyingly at her mind. Was she a burden to her as well? The latter would probably tell her that it was silly to think that way, but had the thought never crossed her mind too? 

She shook her head.

It was irrelevant to think that way. Torturing herself like this wasn’t healthy and moreover, extremely disrespectful for her friend. Siyeon remained. It was proof enough. Nothing had changed between them. But one thing was sure, there was no way she’d tell Siyeon about the rules. No need to put salt in the wound.

“Hyeonie, you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. You were saying?”

She realized she was completely spacing out and was brought back to the conversation by Siyeon’s pinching on her hand, something the older did mechanically since they were young. It calmed her down, allowing her to focus better when she was still, and Yoohyeon’s hand happened to be convenient, not that she minded.

Listening to her stories, she noticed Siyeon seemed nervous today, like she wanted to say something but didn’t really know how. She was talking about her usual university stories, but didn’t put as much involvement as she usually did and the pinching on her hand felt a bit more agitated.

Decided to take the matter into hands, she not so subtly questioned the girl to make her spill what was on her mind.

“Actually, I’ve been seeing this girl…”

Her reaction was immediate.

“So that’s why you’ve presented yourself so decently all this time! I should’ve known it wasn’t for good old me. Your lazy ass getting up early to get ready for class? Obviously there’s a girl involved.”

She sighed sarcastically while crossing her arms. The teasing made her friend who was already rubbing the back of her neck even more flustered. She didn’t even have to confirm the claims, her blushing cheeks and side glance were too loud already.

“What’s the problem, though? That’s great!”

While Siyeon’s ‘not really girlfriend yet she sounded like she really wanted her to be’ was able to reduce her to a blushing mess without even being in the room, and despite things going smoothly, Siyeon couldn’t shake off the thought that things were working out too great to be true. Even to Yoohyeon, it was difficult to grasp entirely what exactly the problem was, but apparently having too much fun with someone was simply a sign that suggested troubles ahead, and even more when said someone exactly fitted her friend’s personality and fondness for chaotic antics.

The older kept explaining her troubles, her hand having found her way back to pinching hers, and eventually brought up the answer herself.

“It’s just, sometimes… I feel like I’m the problem, and that we won’t last because of that.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s just a feeling, but sometimes when I’m down for whatever reason it feels like I’m afraid she’d see a weaker side of me and I’m forcing myself to uphold the strong and fun part because she wouldn’t like it. That’s just messed up, I know, but the thought won’t leave me.”

“Have you tried talking to her about it?”

“I know I should, but every time I want to, I feel so stupid that I just make lame jokes instead. But it makes her laugh, so at least she finds me funny, I guess.”

Typical of Siyeon to brush off her feelings by goofing around, but it wouldn’t work forever, considering she had so much on her plate already. As the conversation went, Yoohyeon had an inkling about why Siyeon would be uncomfortable baring her feelings to someone she recently met, but she was in clear need for emotional support and then yes, having fun could help but it certainly wouldn’t be enough.

“Singnie, you’re stupid but not for the reason you think.”

“Yah, that hurts…”

“But you know I’m always right. Feeling down doesn’t mean you’re weak, we’re complex beings made up of nuanced emotions. It’s okay to not feel okay all the time. Especially with… well.”

She kept her tone upbeat and simply gestured around her with her free hand to avoid wording it. Yoohyeon knew a whole lot about not feeling at the top of your emotional state, since she was basically riding rollercoasters on a daily basis. To think she would give lessons on the subject, the irony. Life really worked in the strangest ways.

“My point being, if she can’t accept you when you’re going through hard times, then she doesn’t deserve you. But you don’t even give her the chance to try. Do you like her?”

“It hasn’t been long, but yeah, a lot.”

“Then you know what you need to do.”

“Yeah… You’ve become so wise, you know?”

In the room next to hers, they started to hear loud voices. They paused for a second, thinking that they imagined it, then resumed their chat.

“Tell me about it. I’ll have to consider becoming a relationship counselor instead of a journalist.”

She chuckled. Now, if she could use some of this newfound wisdom for herself, it would be immensely profitable.

“I’m sure you’d do great.”

This time, the voices got louder and louder, until they heard a door open and an unfamiliar voice shout, that in no way they could have dreamt.

“Enough! Why do you keep saying that?!”

They immediately turned their head towards the door they had left ajar. A petite, dark-haired figure passed by quickly, unmistakably coming from Jiu’s room.

Siyeon looked at Yoohyeon puzzled, asking her what it was about but she had no idea and she just returned a shrug of the shoulders, although she felt worry. There was no point in making assumptions though, so she brought her legs to the side of the bed. Siyeon immediately stood up to help get up – not that she absolutely needed it, but it still made things easier – and together, they went to make sure Jiu was alright.

Once they were in front of the door, she knocked to announce their presence.

“Hyeon-ah?”

Yoohyeon’s heart flipped when she heard Jiu, making her stop on the doorknob. Weirdly so, because it sounded too intimate to go from pet names to a nickname like this. The emotion that filled her voice was also completely different from the usually shamelessly-thrown endearments that didn’t hold too much meaning. It reminded her of how their talk ended in the morning.

She opened the door slightly, passing her head first, then opened it completely.

“Ah, Yoohyeon…”

Clearly she wasn’t the person Jiu expected. The latter’s eyes went past her, noticing Siyeon standing right behind her in the corridor and she bowed politely.

“Sorry, did I bother you and your friend?”

Uncharacteristically, Jiu sounded sad. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what made her think that way, but smile through the pain was the perfect description to what she was seeing.

“No, don’t worry. Is everything okay?”

“Yes. She just left, but… introducing you my little sister, Gahyeon.”

That’s when Yoohyeon thought, Jiu might not be that different after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by the church of Jiu. Just kidding. Or maybe not. Title is from [Blizzard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNmfhDFPM5g) by Fauve. While the lyrics don't entirely relate to the story, I like the idea behind the word. The blizzard is something we've all experienced to some degree. It can be sadness, depression, a heartbreak, any punch that life gives us in the guts and brings us one knee to the ground, and all our characters here are fighting their own blizzard.
> 
> Take care,


	6. Master of my mind...

The 7th floor was undoubtedly a peculiar place but what made it the most interesting, for the lack of better word, was, after careful consideration, its residents. The hospital was merely the shell that accommodated those who brought it to life. With Insik's temporary discharge and Jiu's admittance, the place had changed noticeably.

Yoohyeon was first surprised that Jiu was willing to tell so much about herself, but not anymore afterwards. It made sense.

They often met in the common area. Jiu would be reading, she would be playing video games. It provided a change of environment from their rooms. Not groundbreaking, sure, but it had another view on the garden. This small change of scenery counted to her. Then at some point, she would ask her questions, driven by her natural tendency to reach to people and her unexplainable curiosity over the older, and Jiu would answer them with her cheerful tone and bright eyes. Then, as any normal conversation went, their roles were reversed, and she would share her own stories.

It was always mornings, or random encounters in the dead of night when insomnia kept the both of them awake. Now feeling better, during visiting hours, Jiu was usually nowhere to be found except when Gahyeon visited, which the latter didn’t do often at first.

Then she just had to put everything together.

One important point to keep in mind was that her history with hospitals had been way longer than Yoohyeon’s, and even preceded her outpatient life. As a teenager, she used to volunteer at this very hospital and kept company to kids from other wards who felt lonely, never suspecting that one day she would end up as a 7th floor patient and as lonely as them. Something she still did to this day, an admirable and humble dedication and also a remnant of who Jiu used to be.

Raised in a devout christian family, the other girl’s childhood had nothing remarkable you wouldn’t expect from that, in-between religion classes and Sundays masses. Although anchored in a conservative mindset, it was full of peaceful, loving and joyful moments with her parents and an adorable little sister, almost like they were rewarded for their rightful way of living their faith everyday. After she was diagnosed, she remained optimistic and did the most logical thing that her upbringing told her to. She prayed, convinced that the ordeal put across her way was His way of testing her resolve. She prayed and kept spreading love around her. She prayed that He must have had His reasons and that her resolve and her faith would be strong enough. She prayed endlessly.

Until it shattered into thousands of pieces.

No matter how much she prayed nothing seemed to change for the better, and after resisting until she couldn’t anymore, she started to question everything.

This eventually strained her relationship with her parents, which nowadays only consisted in providing for the hospital fees. If the value of relationship was purely monetary, that could be considered a lot, but Yoohyeon only saw it as extremely revolting. Jiu didn’t seem to think so strongly about it, but she did stay vague on the precise happenings leading to the breaking point. Sensing it was a delicate point, Yoohyeon accepted her reserves and didn't ask further. From what she already heard, she could guess that being let down by what you’d always believed in could indeed change your outlook on life.

The previous years of her existence had already been spent between her house and the hospital. In essence, she had no one else to turn to. Deprived of her landmarks, she took refuge in reading, feeding her mind with countless essays to fill in the void left by her lost beliefs, obscure and complicated texts that Yoohyeon would never even consider going through, but came to be crystal clear to the other patient.

“If I tell you ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, what do you think about?”

“Things are not always what they seem to be?”

“Yes, that’s common sense, even though overlooked way too often. But what if inside the book also isn’t what it seems to be?”

“That sounds needlessly deep. What’s your point?”

“What’s real and what actually is could be immensely different and we wouldn’t have a clue.”

“I’m not sure I’m following.”

“I apologize in advance, I don’t want to deny your existence, but for instance, what tells me that you, the person I see with my own eyes and I’m talking to right now, truly exists? That you’re not a creation of my mind, even when I’m convinced to be holding your hand?”

“Starting off with the extremes, I’d be sad if that’s what you think of me...”

“It’s for the example, angel.”

“Okay, okay. Well, I’m also convinced to be holding yours… and other people see me talking to you, so I must exist, right?”

“I could also imagine all the other people, to support the illusion of you in my mind. How- No no no, don’t make that face, please, I can’t handle that. You exist, of course. That was a stupid example. What about objects, or what we call reality? How do we know how things are for real?”

“Well, at some point, if everyone sees things the same way, it must hold some sort of truth, no? Regardless whether we exist to you or not. I’m devastated, I’ll never forget about this one.”

“We could all be wrong. Experience can’t be a rationale. Some people perceive grass blue while most of us see it green, who can say for sure that grass isn’t actually blue and the majority is the one with the wrong vision of things? We’re so quick on accounting that the images in front of us are truth when the person next to us will deny it just as quickly.”

“Then you’d be denying science. What about it? We have explanations for that. Not only about perception of colors but also on a lot of the things around us.”

“Fair enough. But precisely science is the best way to make us realize that our experiences of reality and judgement on it can be completely false. Just one discovery can turn the world upside down. Imagine still believing that the sun revolves around the Earth! Science isn’t foolproof, it’s the state of our current knowledge, and we should keep challenging it. So, it can’t be accounted for truth.”

“Ugh, sometimes I wonder why I even ask you about those books.”

“And sometimes I think you actually like talking about those with me. There’s plenty of room for us to do our thing without ever interacting, yet here we are everyday. Am I correct, honey?”

“You are, though I don’t think I understand half of what you’re saying, so I feel really dumb but I like talking with you still. I think I just like to suffer.”

“You should give yourself more credit. The sole fact that you keep coming up with different questions and sensible arguments every time shows that you’re trying. It’s already a lot more than those camping on their positions and outright rejecting other points of view, even when I’m only presenting ideas, not trying to change your mind. That’s why I enjoy talking with you as well. Now, where were we… Science isn’t truth.”

That’s one of the many conversations she had with Jiu. That one in particular, ended with Yoohyeon wryly concluding that there wasn’t any space left for life in yet another point of view the older girl offered. One in which, everything was basically a lie, even the supposed truth they were after initially. On her part, Jiu agreed to an extent, but also disagreed. In fact, she thought of all these as what saved her. What she found there were not answers, but open doors for questions and leads to construct her mind, without the patronizing stranglehold of religion.

“Whatever it is, the truth is blinding like the sun. Tough to accept, bothering, yet we’re all somehow obsessed with it, ‘how things are for real’. But people aren’t willing to accept the weight it carries. We judge everything even before we’re sure our perception is correct because it’s more convenient and it’s extremely difficult to let go of it.”

“And in my case, living under a deterministic figure such as deities is trying to escape the responsibilities that come with our more than uncertain lives, refusing to see the world as it comes to me and instead trusting something intangible to rule over me. Some people find solace in their faith, but I didn’t anymore.”

“You’re saying some terrible things, though.”

“That we’re living in a world made of lies, you mean?”

“Yeah. I kinda see what you mean about judging before knowing, but you make it sound like we’re all bad people. Like there’s nothing genuine because we constantly hide behind lies.”

“Not at all. First, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong in lying. No good either. Is it the best option? I don’t know, but it works, obviously. Morals only come after. And second… We’re just trying our best out there, right? That’s plain genuine.”

It took her some time to understand what was so fascinating about her, but when Yoohyeon wasn’t speaking to her, she was thinking about her while gazing distractedly at the sky and the pouring summer rain. It was on any level better than thinking about other dark thoughts, and with how many hours there were in a day, she came up with theories.

Jiu spoke ideals in their most abstract form, strongly entertained the possibility to reach them, while also perfectly knowing she would never.

She led a personal fight against appearances in the world, envisioning everything through an incredibly harsh and realistic, sometimes even nihilist standpoint. Yet paradoxically, she was the first to call herself a hypocrite for the barriers she built around her. She was easy with her words, not only because she was just used to that from keeping kids company, but also that’s what she thought people needed from her and how she would preserve them from the fall she experienced.

Attachment was something she had freed herself from, with the obvious exception of her little sister Gahyeon, who was too stubborn to watch her her big sister lose herself without doing anything, which sometimes resulted in disastrous exchanges – as accounted by Siyeon, who heard it from Gahyeon herself. After that day they heard the arguing, she sometimes sent her off to the station and who had taken an instant liking to her, probably because they were in fairly similar situations. In her words, ‘ _the poor kiddo is confused as fuck but who can blame her_ ’.

Gahyeon wasn’t much younger than them, but she had grown up in conditions that Yoohyeon wouldn’t wish for anyone, was currently enduring the stressful schedules of senior year, all without being able to understand why her dying sister kept refusing all attempts to fix the broken pieces of her relationship with their parents by saying she was fine. Whether that was the right or wrong thing to do on both part, indeed, it was impossible to tell.

With all this information, Yoohyeon imagined that younger Jiu looked pretty much the same as now behavior-wise, but that Jiu back then still had faith in the world and the Jiu before her didn’t. She respected that people didn’t share her vision of things, encouraged it even, as long as they didn’t direct their hopes towards her. As strange as it sounded, even though she hurt and was lonely at times, when Jiu said she was okay, she meant it, but that never meant others would get it.

That’s probably why it could be so infuriating to talk with her.

But Yoohyeon was different. She also had white vinyl around her wrist and though their situations would never be entirely comparable, they went through similar questions in their mind and soul. The unexpected highs and way too frequent downs. The outside. The rules. The after. Everything you can think about when you know the end is near.

Having always lived abiding by experience as the best means for knowledge, their views of the world were for sure completely different, even if they were after the same thing. Yoohyeon wanted to discover the world by exploring it while Jiu questioned its accessibility by retreating from it. However, they converged in the 7th floor, that within these walls there wasn’t any illusion to have.

For her, Jiu didn’t let all the barriers down, but she allowed herself to be the closest version of who she had become, because she knew Yoohyeon wouldn’t try to make her hope again.

The only thing Jiu asked of her in exchange for that was to doubt her every word and only after thinking them through, give it the value she saw fit. Yoohyeon thought it was weird the first time she heard it, but behind those strong words was merely the ideal Jiu was after. Doubting, pausing judgement was the first step to get rid of the illusions. Jiu was still scared that the fact Yoohyeon could relate would blind her into believing anything she said or thought, something that she’d absolutely despise, after seeing what her faith had done to herself.

She asked not to trust her, so that Yoohyeon always thought by herself first.

All in all, Jiu seemed torn between her desire to protect people by lying to them and her resentment for appearances, but as far as she was concerned, she accepted everything that was happening to her. Not because accepting would grant her some kind of entry towards a surreal land called heaven, but because she couldn’t keep on living if she didn’t accept.

Surely, even if Yoohyeon didn’t understand all of the philosophical lectures Jiu shared with her, she understood better how the present Jiu came to be. She might have been less intrigued, but no less drawn to her.

No matter what she thought about herself or her actions, Jiu was warmth itself, she didn’t know how else to describe it. She never hid her motives, spoke sweetly as a way of life and had playful moments of which Yoohyeon was the main target, not that there could be another one. She liked to hold hands when they were talking, which reminded her a bit of Siyeon without the pinching, and never refused when Yoohyeon came to find comfort in the form of a hug or simply a shoulder to lean on when they were watching television. Jiu never commented on it and as the younger recalled the older’s initial warnings, she didn’t either because she wasn’t quite sure she thought that out of some sort of internalized despair, to make herself forget, or just because it was Jiu.

They simply found each other and that was it.

* * *

“Well, if that isn’t awkward…”

“I’m really sorry about this…”

“No, I’m the one sorry, I really thought I remembered how to solve those.”

“It’s alright, you tried. I mean-”

“If you two aren’t going to be helpful, kindly shut it. I’m trying to focus here.”

“...”

“Is shamelessness a gene that runs in the family?”

“Ah, uhm… I’m not sure?”

“But I’m pretty sure you aren’t deaf so why are you still talking?”

The two patients gulped and exchanged sympathetic gazes, their lips pressed into a thin line. The message was clear, it was time to shut up.

Yoohyeon’s first impression of Gahyeon was that of an impulsive and rebellious kid who wrecked havoc in her trail by stubbornly and clumsily confronting her sister about things she wouldn’t do anything about anyway, but that was only from what she heard and she could practically hear Jiu telling her to wipe out prejudices in her mind. She also wasn’t a fan of that but it was the only thing she had at her disposal.

For that matter, the second impression wasn’t any better, except that this time she had actually interacted with her. That is, if you call planting herself in front of the television, blocking view from the drama Yoohyeon was watching and shamelessly blurting ‘So you’re Yoohyeon.’ while glaring at her, before suddenly leaving to Jiu’s room before she could even reply, interacting. In fact, she didn’t even know it was Gahyeon at that time but she couldn’t see who else it could be. A girl she didn’t know wearing a school uniform, too young to be a nurse and not lost enough to be a newly-recruited volunteer, had to be Gahyeon.

Third time’s the charm, as they say. Gahyeon had the potential to be the most adorable baby sister ever with her cute face – another trait that seemed to run in the family, and slightly chubby cheeks, as long as she either didn’t talk or you didn’t take her sassy words and glares to heart. Apart from the delicate parents situation, she was in all her stubbornness actually more bark than bite and merely had a terrible way with words, contrary to her sister. Knowing that didn’t make her empty threats any less intimidating. Who knew which wrong buttons they could push that would make her blow up and leave the place completely exceeded? They were more concerned about the youngest than themselves, really.

Since summer break started, the baby in disguise had decided to spend her time reviewing for exams at the hospital instead of the library, a curious choice but considering that it was calm and undistracting with its barren white walls, the lounge made quite the spacious study room, while allowing her to spend more time with her sister. The latter didn’t really do anything during those moments; she just sat next to her and watched her study. It was weird since they weren’t actually talking to each other, but with how she saw it, it showed that despite their rocky relationship and numerous fights, they still cared for each other.

At the same time, Jiu could hardly do anything else since she’d never gone to high school and literally discovered the study material with the textbooks Gahyeon brought with her. Sadly, philosophy essays wouldn’t help when it came to math problems, what the high schooler spent most of her studying and the reason she was currently pulling her hair in frustration.

When the oldest came to her room asking if she could perhaps assist in the solving endeavor, Yoohyeon agreed instantly. Even if she’d always favored literary subjects she still had good grades with anything that involved numbers so she didn’t see any issue with that. However, it turned out that journalism studies and lack of cerebral exercise for the past months had definitely buried that somewhere far, far away.

If that wasn’t awkward, she repeated in her thoughts.

Gahyeon was left with two useless adults watching her trying to solve problems. The small girl crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair with a sigh, and observed her notebook from afar, like the increased distance would make her conceptualize the math problem with a clarity she couldn’t reach previously by stuffing her nose in the pages.

That actually reminded her of the student’s sister but in a more practical application. Why she was unable to do that when they were speaking to each other was a complete mystery but it wasn’t her business to ask. As much as she could talk about anything no matter how bothering it was with the older, she feared the younger would just throw snappy remarks at her, so she didn’t risk it. The constant glares she couldn’t explain either were enough, but she had reached a point where she didn’t really care and even the notebook apparently received the cold treatment. She was only there because Jiu asked and appreciated the distraction for what it was.

Well, only Yoohyeon was watching, wondering about the above. Jiu was still trying to understand the textbook but the perplexed look on her face told her it wasn’t going smoothly and that she would much rather discuss the purpose of mathematics and how it’s incredible it’s entirely based on axioms than do actual problems. She eventually gave up, removing her glasses to rub her eyes and putting the book back on the table, only for Yoohyeon to pick it up one last time in a prideful act of insistence, which also ended in defeat.

Gahyeon ended up putting off her math homework and switched to something she could receive actual help for, and Yoohyeon found herself tutoring in English for the rest of the afternoon, until the visitor had to leave for her private classes. Poor thing couldn’t catch a break even during summer.

Yoohyeon let out a well-deserved yawn once it was only Jiu and her.

“Sorry again about that. And thank you for today.”

“It’s fine, I just didn’t expect she would be like this. She’s… how to say? Intense? Yeah. Intense. And not really tactful. But she said thanks so I guess I’ll take it. Are you okay?”

“Just a bit tired too. Hyeon-ah can be a handful when she decides to.”

“I could see that. She seems to have a lot on her plate.”

The other girl just nodded.

“She used to be a bright kid, you know? But I’m to blame for that. Not only did she have to go through the arguments I had with our parents, but now they’ve also transferred all the expectations they had for me onto her. Which caused also a lot more arguments, I’ll spare you the details. I don’t mind that she acts like that towards me. She’s pushing through like she can.”

Everytime she heard it, she found it difficult to imagine Jiu getting angry to the point of arguing when she knew her to be be either smiley or composed, but nothing really surprised her anymore. Of course, seeing her smiling at the moment didn’t mean the older didn’t find her sister’s actions worrying, but when they managed to have a decent conversation, the siblings only made small talk. Gahyeon didn’t overly expand on her feelings, but that was still better than nothing.

Jiu didn’t say anything for a while, and Yoohyeon looked outside the window to give her time to collect her thoughts.

“Hmmh. Anyway. I’ll go back to my room. See you, angel.”

Summer days passed like that, Gahyeon coming to study almost everyday, Jiu next to her trying to help her in all ways possible, Siyeon visiting on days off from her part-time job and Yoohyeon wondering how it could all feel so peaceful when it wasn’t completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Jiu make sense? Also wasn't planning on having Gahyeon meeting Yoohyeon at all but I think it works... Starting next week, chapters might not have a schedule because I'll be stressing about starting work, but I'll see this story through.
> 
> Thank you for reading and take care,


	7. D2: Showery Sky

The sound of the waves crashing on the shore. The feeling of the sand under her palms. The light from the moon barely hidden by the clouds. The breeze.

It felt too good.

Almost unreal.

If the empty streets were anything to go by, there wasn’t much to do in Tongyeong at nighttime, so they simply went to the beach, sat there and watched the sea.

She felt a weight on her shoulder, making her move slightly to the side at the sudden touch.

Jiu had come closer and rested her head on her shoulder. Come to think of it, it was probably the first time it happened, as she couldn’t remember other similar instances. It was always the other way around.

“Is it okay?”

“I don’t mind the affection of beautiful women.”

With the amount of times she reached out to the older, of course she’d never mind returning the favor.

Jiu started chuckling, but ended up coughing loudly. Involuntarily, her own fingers dug into the sand before her hand tensed completely. Their bodies seemed to be decided on not listening to them.

“So confident.”

The unbothered tone reminded her to relax. She took a deeper breath, waiting several seconds before releasing the air that filled her lungs, then eased the tension in her hand.

“I can say anything to you. You do the same, anyway.”

“Hmmh. This is nice.”

She didn’t know if Jiu was talking about the sea-gazing shoulder thing or them speaking with no barriers. Minutes passed before she got the answer.

“It’s weird, I’m finding myself wanting this moment to last a bit longer…”

“It is nice.”

Simple, but a precious moment nonetheless.

“Ah. Rain.”

“Ah.”

“Do you wanna go back to the car?”

It was just a few droplets at first but they were gradually becoming many enough to qualify as a rain shower. Her clothes were getting slightly damp, too.

“No, let’s make it a bit longer.”

Wasn’t it what they were doing exactly? Trying to make it last a bit longer, killing time before time overcame them? Even running away, they were actually nowhere near racing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm often thinking about what this story is about aside from my inital idea and that's one of the answers I found recently.
> 
> Anyway, let's rejoice for DC's online concert!
> 
> Take care,


	8. ... prisoner of my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this chapter, all the TW you could have imagined about this story apply. I'd like to think that if you're still reading by this point you're prepared for what's to come, as it shouldn't be a suprise. Anyway, this chapter is heavy, read with discretion.

Insik passed away at home.

It was a summer day just like any other one.

Nothing special.

Heart failure in his sleep, they said.

Nothing special either.

She knew it was coming, especially when she’d learnt he was on his third temporary discharge. He hadn’t come back – or rather left again would be more appropriate, and would never.

What a strange thought.

It wasn’t the only one spiraling down her mind. Her brain was making unwelcome parallels with her own situation, she couldn’t help it.

When it would be her, should be nothing special.

When it would be Jiu, should be nothing special.

She thought she could accept it, but it hurt more than it should still.

How was she supposed to deal with it?

She opened the window as much as she could, the sudden heat instantly rushing inside making her take a step back. She just wanted to feel the breeze on her face, but didn’t have the energy to go all the way down to the garden. She couldn’t care less, but it was too personal of a moment for strangers to witness.

In an attempt to divert her thoughts, she approached the small opening again and focused her gaze on the sky where blue was starting to fade into orange. The clouds were moving slowly, gently pushed by the wind.

Was there even a way to deal with that?

As much as the air brushing her face was welcome, the trick didn’t work as much as she’d have liked to. After closing the window, she made her way to the room next to hers, with slow steps and a heavy heart. She didn’t know where else she could go. The corridor and the lounge were as silent as ever, even though that enough was overwhelming at the moment. She entered directly, too confused to even bother knocking.

Jiu was on her bed, sitting with her back against the wall and gazing through the window, just like she was just before. When Yoohyeon called her name, she turned to her with a faint smile and unreadable eyes.

“Insik-ahjussi…”

There was a tightness in her throat that prevented her from finishing her sentence. She hung her head low, shutting her eyes tightly, just hoping that Jiu would get it so she didn’t have to say it out loud and thankfully, she did.

“I know.”

The girl didn’t say anything after that. Only the friction of the sheets broke the silence as she pushed herself to the side of her bed, leaving enough space for them both to fit. Yoohyeon wordlessly climbed and curled up next to her.

Jiu didn’t try to comfort her. She didn’t expect it from her and she wouldn’t have it anyway. After all, no one else knew better that the banalities offered in these occasions were the last thing she’d want to hear.

She didn’t know how long they stayed like that. At some point when the sun had already set, Jiu stopped looking through the window and laid on her back next to her. Yoohyeon watched her gaze at the ceiling.

The thoughts again.

“Say Jiu…”

“Have you ever thought about... ending everything?”

Yoohyeon expected that the girl would reply with her usual bluntness, but surprisingly she didn’t. She turned her head to her, staring into her eyes for the whole time she remained quiet.

“Haven’t you?”

So even for her, it was too obvious to even answer.

It was her turn to be silent.

“Why didn’t you do it?”

“...”

“Tell me first.”

“...”

“It’s scary. That it just stops.”

“Hmmh.”

“How about you?”

“I think… Because I’m still here. Alive, I mean.”

“...”

“But also... I asked myself… why would I do it?”

“...”

“But it hurts… So much. What difference would it make?”

Earlier or later. Why would it matter? It was going to happen anyway. Those days that were only repeating themselves with nothing to them but a lot pain would stop, and the others will either be indifferent and keep living, or be sad and keep living. She wouldn’t even know; she wouldn’t be here. They’ll get over it at some point.

“...”

“It does… And at that time it did so much more...”

The room became completely silent again left the sound of them breathing. Thinking they would leave the conversation at that, Yoohyeon closed her eyes. Maybe she could just fall asleep and wait for the thoughts to vanish into oblivion.

“But I thought... that if I ever did it, it should be for the same reason I wouldn’t. So I stopped myself.”

“...”

Jiu didn’t specify what she stopped herself from doing. It could have been the possibility, it could have been more than that. But she was still here, indeed, and that only left Yoohyeon wondering why. If the reason was the same, precisely there was no difference and she didn’t get it. She forced herself to think, but she was too exhausted to function properly. She turned to the other side, presenting her back to the older girl, her hands gripping on the sheets like she was afraid she would disappear already if she didn’t.

“Yoohyeon.”

“What?”

“This is my reason, not yours. You don’t have to think about it.”

“...”

“You’re still here too, that’s what matters.”

“...”

“You know, Jiu… Here or at home, I really don’t like it.”

“I know. I… don’t like it either.”

“But you accept it.”

“...”

* * *

Walking around the streets when she spent weeks at the hospital felt weird. She was taking in the buildings and the familiar streets she had strolled around so much in her teen years as if she’d never seen them in her whole life.

On the walkway, some people were looking at her, or rather at her pajamas that stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the crowd. Some whispered to each other, maybe wondering if it was some kind of joke or TV program, or if she was really a madwoman from the nearby hospital. She navigated around them without returning the attention. Others passed by without any care, in too much of a hurry to question her presence.

The hot and humid air of summer was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t raining, something that should be noted given how the rainy season was still raging. However, her skin was moist from sweat and her clothes were starting to annoyingly stick to her, so it was refreshing to make it to the station.

The constant and almost dizzying hubbub was something she definitely wasn’t used to anymore, and she also didn’t miss the annoyed reaction of people having to modify their walking route seeing that she just stood there observing everything and didn’t intend on moving anytime soon.

The first thing she noticed was the manjoo shop, or rather, the first thing she smelled was the scent of freshly baked dough being released from the baking iron. A neatly arranged line of people waited to get their order. The discovery only confirmed her long-time assumptions that Jiu had come there as well. Yet the girl remained on the 7th floor; she hadn’t run away. 

But that wasn’t what she came here for.

Her eyes went over the screens that displays next departures, watching the lines change as minutes passed by and new trains arrived. This station in particular was quite big, and you could not only take the subway around the metropolis but trains to other regions of the country if you went to the adjacent hall, and ride intercity buses as well if you went further. Had that been taken into account when making the rules, she didn’t know, but you could probably go anywhere from there.

Phone in hand, she finally moved from her spot close to the main entrance and approached the ticket booth, and contemplated the idea, staring at the lit up screen. She browsed through the options, searching for one that would fit the most – one way, round trip, day pass…

She stopped for a moment. She couldn’t recall a time she ever bought a ticket actually, she always either used either her phone or her T-Money card. There was never a need to think about it, she just went wherever she had to be or wanted to go, technology would take care of the rest.

After looking extensively at all the choices possible, it dawned on her that none of them would fit anyway because even she wasn’t sure of what she was doing. She eventually opted for a station in Seoul, to her university, a reminder of when things were still remotely okay. One way.

As soon as she confirmed her order, the machine buzzed and printed the ticket. It felt warm to the touch, the total opposite of the cool temperature inside the building.

She held the rectangular piece of cardboard at eye-level, inspecting the details of it, deciphered all the mentions that made it so special.

She could crumple it with one balling of her fist, yet it held so much power.

She could leave with that. She didn’t have to stay locked up.

But where to?

University was a stop she had decided on randomly, it didn’t hold much more meaning than a memory, just a place she used to go to almost daily. She didn’t have classes to attend, people to meet, places to sightsee.

What would she do after that?

She looked around to the people passing by she had ignored earlier. They all seemed to know where they were going, what they had to do. How many were wandering like she did? With no purpose, not even strolling around, and no other place to go?

She had her home, but it wasn’t hard to imagine the disapproving and worried expression of her parents upon her returning unannounced and unsupervised.

She maybe had Siyeon’s home, but the timing was extremely bad, and even without that she wouldn’t impose herself. She was too much of a burden already.

And more importantly, what would she achieve through it?

She was sick of that place, sick of the medication, sick of the white walls, sick of the garden, sick of waiting pointlessly and had even snapped at Siyeon the day before for no reason and after she managed to calm down, she finally asked the older girl to take some time off from visiting the hospital.

The part-time job was her idea and had already been her attempt at preventing her friend from spending her whole break there and have something else to focus on. With how Yoohyeon was faring these days, she requested that she stopped visiting altogether for some time, to get away from drowning in the heavy atmosphere of the place and of her mood swings. She was met with vehement protests, but Yoohyeon had means of pressure in simply refusing visits, and even if it would have broken her heart to resort to that, she would have if Siyeon hadn’t yielded. It couldn’t have broken her heart more that it was already.

Ever since Insik’s passing, the feeling of helplessness and inevitability had been eating her more than before and she regularly lost herself in dangerous thoughts. She felt like a tightrope walker crossing the gaps in her consciousness and the further she went, the less she recognized herself. Her sessions with the therapist weren’t of much help either lately, and only Jiu who seemed to stare more than usual gave her a sign that she needed to take action, or maybe the fact that she was thinking that itself could have been the actual trigger.

She felt trapped mentally and physically. She felt all the contradictions. So she had tried to remember what the Yoohyeon from before would have done.

She had to leave and see for herself.

Freedom was right there, just within reach.

Put the ticket in the machine, pass through the gates, take the train.

Simple.

It’d take less than a minute to do that. The ride would be longer, of course, but once she’d be in there, she could start thinking on what she’d do next.

Her feet took her to the gates, her hand was raised mid-air, ready to slip the ticket through the machine, her eyes were fixated on it.

Behind her, the muffled complaints of the commuters rose up again. She ignored them just the same.

It would be so easy to leave and gain back what had been taken from her.

But she couldn’t.

* * *

“Here.”

Immediately recognizing the paper bag she put on the nightstand, Jiu’s eyes lit up. Her eyebrows arched, her mouth opened in a small round shape and she turned her whole body to Yoohyeon with unprecedented enthusiasm.

At least someone was pleased with her trip to the station.

“Manjoo! It’s been such a long time, I can’t believe it. Angel, you really know how to make a girl happy.”

“You just have this incredible ability to enjoy anything. And stop calling me like that.”

Her tone was flat but she found it came out a tad harsher that she intended to. Of course, Jiu didn’t phase over it and just continued beaming at her.

“You know, most people usually tell me that five minutes in but you, only after all this time. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“For sure I don’t fit the requirements. I’m just a mess.”

“You’re a very sweet mess then.”

She snorted.

“And I don’t believe you.”

“As you should. But will that be enough for me to change? I know I speak like that, but people don’t actually keep talking to me afterwards, so with you it kinda grew on me, I wonder why.”

“Huh.”

“Anyway, you’re good company. I’m not going to make a list of reasons why, but you even brought me food. That’s all the requirements I need in my book.”

“I thought your thing was to not think anything of anyone. I shouldn’t be an exception.”

“You’re the one who said doubting prevents living. I’m simply trying to match up to you.”

“...”

“Do whatever.”

“Will do, honey.”

The other patient happily munched on what was probably her fourth or fifth manjoo. Someone also had a separate stomach for desserts.

Wouldn’t be Jiu if she didn’t go around pet naming people. The other patient did treat her like she always did, and if she had complaints she could just go somewhere else. They had spent too much time together for her to know that, and that wouldn’t be a cause for discord. But that wasn’t her biggest preoccupation at the moment. She was just annoyed at everything by default lately.

“Wanna talk?”

The question was one she’d gotten used to; she’d heard it ever since Jiu got here and also used herself. It didn’t mean they needed to have an actual conversation. It was more like an invitation for the other to stay, as pointlessly as it sometimes turned out to be.

Yoohyeon stared at her for a solid minute but the girl didn’t say anything and only looked back at her. After letting out a loud sigh, she dragged a chair closer to the bed, then sat on it. She brought her knees to her chest, secured the position by hugging them before hiding her face inside her arms. She considered just staying like that in silence for the rest of the day, which she did, until she was able to find a starting point.

“As you can see, I came back.”

Jiu hummed in acknowledgment and as usual, listened intently, not making case of the long breaks during which she tried to collect her thoughts. It had happened less than an hour ago, yet it was already blurry in her mind, as if too irrelevant to be remembered.

“I thought it would make me feel better.”

“No, actually. I thought it would make me feel something.”

“When I was about to go through the gates, my heart was still.”

“I wasn’t even remotely excited at the idea.”

“I never meant to leave in the first place, maybe that’s the problem.”

“Can I even call that a problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“I want to think that going there is already something, but it’s still like I’m just running circles.”

“I don’t know.”

“I really don’t know.”

“How was it for- Ah.”

She’d almost done it again.

Jiu hadn’t called her out on the subject and Yoohyeon doubted she would ever, but she noticed something while thinking back on that day they were discussing pros and cons about making things simpler for everyone. Obviously, Yoohyeon was trying to play it off by mentioning that episode like a casual conversation but euphemisms aside, she found another reason to be annoyed with herself.

She was starting to rely too much on the older girl, and while hanging out with her while sharing their deepest thoughts wasn’t a problem in itself – she was still the only other person around twenty-four seven after all, the fact that she was trying to find salvation in Jiu’s answers to her questions was terribly wrong. It was going beyond her curiosity and she tended to overlook that fact. Jiu wasn’t her, she was reacting to things in ways different from her, and Yoohyeon was letting her confused feelings hold onto her words.

Except that’s not how she should take them. Jiu never spoke in a way to give her hope, because she didn’t want to bear this responsibility. So, for as long as she couldn’t take things with that into consideration, she should refrain from asking questions to which answers she would look too much into.

And for a fact, even the wise girl in front of her could be wrong.

Jiu wasn’t the most dangerous person to her.

It was herself.

And even if the girl never intended on actively influence her or searched to change her mind, Yoohyeon wouldn’t have realized this without her. That was probably the most incredible thing about her.

She raised her head to look at the sky. The clouds were still moving, of course.

“Well, guess I won’t be the first person to escape either.”

At least she knew that, now.

“With all the stories you told me, you could as well be that person. Or who knows? Maybe it’ll be me?”

“You? Really.”

Yoohyeon looked at her incredulously before returning to her horizon examination. Nothing new to report.

“I mean, at the moment, it’s either you, me or no one. So… anything can happen?”

“Well, hit me up if that anything happens. I’d want to see that.”

“Ah... I’ll think about it. But you know what’s more important at the moment?”

“Enlighten me.”

“The manjoo, you haven’t eaten any. That’s a crime against food! Have some!”

“I’m good, you can eat- hey!”

When Jiu offered food, she apparently meant shoving it into her face. Had it been anyone else, she would have been legitimately scared. Was she that caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t notice her approaching? Jiu smiled when she recovered from the surprise and finally accepted the pastry.

“They’re delicious, right?!”

“Mmmh yeah.”

“Take more! We need to make evidence disappear before the nurses can scold us!”

“Hold on, I can’t eat that fast!”

If she could see the world the way Jiu saw it, she wondered how different she’d be feeling. She could only imagine, and witness how it shaped the older to be who she was, how it collided to how she saw the world and how this interaction changed her ever so slightly. But then she’d think about how she’d be feeling if she had to wait without her around, if they had never met. It was another dangerous path to thread on and a conflicting one.

Because of the meaning of their presence here, she didn’t want to say she was glad the girl was by her side. Of course, she could, and Jiu would probably reply with one of her playful comment about how she’s irresistible and Yoohyeon would keep the antics going if it was one of those days.

However, the days they shared together were far from being desirable. When she spent days alternating between looking through the window and at the elevator in silence after she told Siyeon to stop visiting. When Jiu did her best to keep smiling as she said her goodbyes to Gahyeon throughout the summer, but then spaced out way too frequently to pretend it didn’t affect her. When a change in medication made them stay in their hospital bed unable to move. When they ignored the looks full of pity the staff they didn’t know gave them when they pressed the highest floor on the elevator.

So many things among many others she wouldn’t wish to anyone.

“What would they even scold us for… We don’t have any restrictions.”

“Come on, there’s always one who will. Let’s avoid that for ourselves.”

In regards to that, the emptiness could seem like a preferable option, but one that she was also growing tired of.

“Not up for the show?”

“I just want to enjoy this treat to the fullest. Useless nagging just isn’t part of the equation.”

Yoohyeon wasn’t very successful with her attempts yet, but she wanted to escape that emptiness.

“So you admit you won’t care about it anyway.”

“Of course. The horse is out of the barn already. It’s just not nice to hear.”

Without doing anything, by her simple presence and being herself, Jiu helped her more than the girl could imagine, she knew it. She just couldn’t rely on her entirely.

“Indeed. I’ll guard the door until you’re done, then.”

“See? That’s very sweet of you. But you have to be my partner in crime, so let’s share.”

Jiu tore the paper bag to use it as a makeshift plate for the snacks. Meanwhile, Yoohyeon got up with a shrug and dragged her chair again, like she did when she arrived, but this time close to the door.

She wanted to do something for her in return, but how could she do that when she wasn’t able to do something for herself. But she also had too much time in a day to figure it out, so she’d keep trying to find what’s missing.

“And then we’ll discuss your new-found passion for maths since you’re talking about equations.”

“Please, no. No maths. Ever.”

* * *

“Yoohyeon, I have good news for you.”

It was during one of her daily check-ups, not long after her outing to the station. The doctor had a wide smile on his face. She wondered briefly what could be considered “good” in her case, but couldn’t think of anything, so she politely returned the smile.

“You’ll be discharged next week.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi readers, hope you're doing okay. Yoohyeon going full liberté with her tattoo had me fist bump the air because, 1. I'm French so I had this weird sense of pride beaming into my heart, 2. it means liberty yes, but the most common meaning is freedom! Freedom! The very theme of this fic, so definitely, it had to be her. Also, the Rose Blue MV today! Tragic DC is becoming a trade mark but they're making beautiful things out of it so let's just suffer. This story won't be of any comfort I'm afraid, but well we're not that many here so again, if you're still here, it's not news to you. Hope it's not too boring and that I'll see you till the end!
> 
> Take care,


	9. Gone with the wind

She’d always liked the sea.

There was something calming to the ocean, starting from its deep blue color reflecting the sky, the sun rays adding shining glimmers to the waves, the smell of the salt breeze. And of course the sounds. You didn’t need to see the sea to feel it, you just needed to hear it. The cries of the seagulls soaring high and waves washing up against the rocks. She wouldn’t describe herself as a girl of the sea, far from that, but having grown up in Incheon, she’d come to the pier for as long as she could remember and never once felt displeased at the sight it offered.

Seoul had the Han River, sure, but despite how nice it was to plant a tent for the day or ride along the banks then relish in the reward of cup noodles, it would never match the completely biased memories she had from her hometown.

The seafood restaurants, the street vendors, the arcade games, and of course, the theme park. She would spend so much of her allowance there back then.

She watched it all and compared it with what she remembered. The familiarity was a bit reassuring, but she didn’t particularly want to enjoy what it had to offer. Also, the early morning had a fair share of the shops still asleep. If anything, she would have preferred that she brought her camera with her to capture the moment. Although right now, watching the sea and the horizon, the immensity that she could only imagine beyond that big bridge in the distance was the most enjoyable.

Incheon was bigger than Seoul in size, less crowded for the most part and also, as opened to the world than the capital. She had often mused that her appetite for discovery was greatly influenced by the whole of the city reaching out to the outside of their small country. It was natural to dream of adventures when all you had to do was take a ferry to wind up in China.

She leaned further to take the atmosphere in, letting her weight rest onto the railing. Her eyes trailed the flight of birds in the sky, never settling on one in particular but instead focusing on a different one after a few seconds, then back to the sea. She repeated the process several times, occasionally turning to the city that spread far, far to her right.

At the moment, really, the need for an open space was greater than anything else.

Summer was finally over and with that came more reasonable temperatures. Warm when the sun was out, without being unbearable and even a bit fresh in the morning and at night. The jacket she was wearing was thus appreciated, but not mandatory.

Soon, the tree leaves would be painted with crimson and ocher shades. She should be able to see that, normally.

She hadn’t thought returning home would be this suffocating. It had crossed her mind as a brief concern, but she’d concluded it would be just the same as the hospital, except she would be in her bedroom. No visits, not much to do, just her parents she would see in the morning and in the evening. They were still busy working to pay the hospital fees, but every night when they’d come back, they’d be enthusiastic about her presence, god-sent time they should cherish but hindered by cruel reality. They were in better spirits than when they visited the hospital and she tried her best to be grateful for that, even if she didn’t entirely feel the same way.

To them, the discharge might have been the sign of a temporary break, the validation that at the moment, their daughter wasn’t in as much pain and health distress that she could rely on outpatient care.

To her, it meant that one of the three discharges was gone. It was the sign that the clock was ticking even when she didn’t know what time was anymore and days passed by without her noticing.

Everything was about perception.

However, the weirdest thing she experienced was the visit of distant relatives that resembled some sort of gloomy procession. It was exhausting to say the least. She didn’t understand why they came now while they never visited her before, unless it was to save their own peace of mind, which was probably exactly it, or simply out of decorum. This old-age art of making it look like you cared when everyone knew you didn’t.

She’d found some relief in sorting out the things she had accumulated in her room over the years, most of which she didn’t and wouldn’t need. Not that much to ease the work of those who will have to face the memories of her when she would be gone, but more because the action simply unclogged her mind as well as her room like two parallel yet entwined spaces, searching for a key to a higher plane in the sensible world. It wasn’t out of thoughtfulness, but more out of necessity.

That’s when she thought that maybe, staying at the hospital would have been better.

The mental pressure would have lessened.

Maybe.

“Mmmmh…”

A frustrated hum rose up from the back of her throat, quickly followed by a pout on her features. The realization of her annoyance made her frown, thus completing the perfect scrunched up face.

She didn’t like thinking like that, but it happened too often.

Circles, circles, always circles.

She wanted to be out of this hospital and now that she had it, she wanted to go back. How ridiculous. Staying there, on the outside that she longed for, despite what her dispirited self told her, would be her way to try to break out the loop. The key word in here was ‘try’, definitely. Not with that much conviction, not desperately either. Just in case, to see if there was something else she overlooked in the time that was granted to her in this place she didn't belong to.

Her body didn’t tell her, but her brain did. She’d be back there fast enough, no need to rush.

She brushed aside a strand of hair swept by the wind directly in her eyes. The wind was picking up, it seemed.

Also, if she went back...

There would be Jiu.

Jiu, who was now left alone in this place.

During their last week spent together, the older, mind reader that she was, had assured Yoohyeon, open book that she was, she shouldn’t be worried about. Obviously, Jiu was too used to being on her own and would certainly handle this like she did everything – meaning way better than herself, with that soft smile and a massive book on her lap. Obviously, Yoohyeon was too and would have said the same had it been her – minus the book and maybe minus the smile. And obviously, all that would never prevent her from thinking that it was still better to have company, especially when it’d been proven that they both appreciated each other’s. In a way, it could have been for herself more than for Jiu; she wasn’t too sure.

That week of fading summer didn’t have anything special going, but now that she could compare, it was more comfortable than here.

They weren’t anything too special to each other also, so that made their parting look like they were simply going on a vacation; the ‘see you later’ kind of goodbye, even though they both knew they didn’t know when they would be reunited as co-residents. A thought they also knew could have easily been followed by ‘if they ever reunited’, which might be why they remained on the friendly, casual, ‘see you’ kind of goodbye. There wasn’t a need for anything grand, or more like a need for something not grand. In this perhaps special occasion, that it shouldn’t be special, an understanding that some things didn’t need to materialize into words or actions and remain simple. It was just a discharge.

Yet, she had to admit, there was a different kind of emptiness without her.

It felt a bit colder.

Or was it the fresh morning air carried out by the wind?

And here she was, still longing after a freedom she couldn’t accept when it had been presented to her. Either she wasn’t there quite yet or she was looking in the wrong direction altogether. But yes, just in case she could find out what it was, she imposed on herself not to go to the 7th floor. The place anchored the whole of her thoughts, but this wasn’t what this time was for. She was outside and she would remain there as long as she could.

A different place everyday of watching and soul-searching. That was how the last few days had been.

Although, today, she had plans. Plans she had made by herself. The notion had felt foreign, how long had it been since she was expected somewhere other than a medical check-up?

“Yoohyeon?”

A voice she hadn’t heard in a long time called for her, clear and soothing as ever, but tinted with cautiousness nonetheless. She braced herself and turned around to greet the person with a small smile. The memories of the last conversation they had, of how she had pushed her away, lingering on her mind made her apprehensive of how their meeting would go, but she wouldn’t know unless she made the effort. Any resemblance with her own past words would fall under karma, even if it’d been long since she’d stopped believing in that too.

It still stung, though not quite as much as before, the way Siyeon’s eyes were filled with emotion, the way she hesitated for a split second in front of her before engulfing her into a too delicate embrace, the way she didn’t say anything, making sure that Yoohyeon is real and wrapped in her arms.

“That’s barely a hug, Singnie. I’m not gonna break, you know?”

“Shut up. It’s because it’s too early.”

That’s what she said but she tightened the hug afterwards, one that Yoohyeon returned feebly.

Putting Siyeon in this situation kept giving her mixed feelings, lingering guilt on the lookout for an opening, but now used to it, she didn’t let the moment get to her. She worded it simply.

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t come here for apologies, so don’t you ever dare say sorry to me again. I'm just glad to see you.”

"..."

She’d debated for a long time whether she should meet with her friend, but at that point she had acknowledged that Siyeon would hurt longer than she would anyway so it wasn’t really fair to make it worse. Rather, she couldn’t tell what was worse between seeing your friend suffer or not being able to see them while knowing they did. Another line she didn’t know how to draw. Had she been in Siyeon’s place, as the one who would be left behind, she would have wanted to stay by her side. But she would be the one leaving, and it was painful. One could argue that she was getting rid of that responsibility and maybe, that’s exactly what she was doing.

While her opinion on how the hospital played in her mental well-being kept changing every day, she knew it couldn’t be good to those who shouldn't have anything to do there. If she could avoid that for Siyeon, the better it would be. She had to take that chance.

“But it doesn’t make it any better, right?”

She tried to explain that the best she could, while keeping it vague enough to not ruin the mood too quickly to the girl who was now looking at her just like the old times, as if nothing had happened.

"I told you, anything, no matter how hard it is. I'll be fine. Or I’ll find a way to be."

Siyeon really shouldn't let her decide on her own, she thought but didn’t say.

“That place isn’t good, but I’m not there at the moment. I have a title to uphold, and I didn’t want our promises to become a lie…”

“Hyeonie, here you go not making sense again.”

At that, Yoohyeon put on her best smile.

“Ah… Don't mind it. It’s just the weird stuff I talk about with Jiu. It’s fun.”

"If... you say so."

Siyeon seemed a bit puzzled, not in a negative way, but taking a few seconds to process her words and understanding what she was talking about, but she might have really taken it as her usual nonsense, as she continued quickly after.

“But there’s no way it could have been like that, I trust you. We don’t even have to go try those places, just knowing that you thought about it is enough. Besides, there’s plenty to do in Incheon.”

Even though intentions only wouldn’t have led her to stand in front of her friend, Yoohyeon could have added, not that she wanted their conversation to take this turn. Even if it was for one day, she had to get her mind out of there. It was too easy to fall back into her way of thinking, but she could do better. She knew she could.

“Look at you, aren’t you becoming the wise one?”

“Nah, that’s still your job. I’m better at being the crackhead sidekick.”

“Suits you, yeah.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you. Anyway! Let’s get this day started.”

Siyeon enthusiastically linked their arms together, then gently pulled her in movement. She let her.

“You really got us here early but that only means we get to spend more time together! Hope you’re ready?”

Even the current Yoohyeon couldn’t say no to this much eagerness and for the first time that day, the smile forming on her face was genuine.

“Ready.”

* * *

The rough plan was to walk around the pier for a while, then lazily head over to Chinatown to enjoy some white jajangmyeon, crash at a café to fight the lunch-induced drowsiness somewhere nice and cosy, and maybe after that, hit the PC bang, like they had promised.

The first part was spent mostly catching up with everything that happened to Siyeon since that troubled day. To the latter’s own admission, she had tried to make the most of this time to focus on other aspects of her life she had neglected. Mostly out of distraction and to force herself to not set foot around the hospital with the foolish hope of seeing her by chance, but still. Out of habit, she’d gone there several times, before realizing she wasn’t supposed to. She would wait at the cafeteria until regular visit hours were over, utterly lost, but willing to respect her wishes nonetheless. Sua, the girl had talked about before, ended up coming all the way to Incheon to drag her ass out of there.

After the energetic girl, as per what she’s heard of her, came back from a long stay at the family house over the summer, Siyeon had finally gathered enough courage for an in-depth talk and it must have gone well, much like everything since the beginning, she was tempted to remark, because they were now going out and Siyeon’s smile grew wider at each mention of her name.

But as much as Sua was willing to stand by her side, she also admitted not being sure she’d be able to bear everything Siyeon had on her heart. She encouraged her to consider external help as well if that were ever the case. A solution she was maybe unconsciously trying to avoid, maybe out of pride, but they both promised to do their best and that was included..

Listening to her, Yoohyeon was impressed for several reasons. There was the strength that Siyeon had regained over their conversation, cautiousness cast aside entirely, even when she was speaking about somber moments. There was also how Sua seemed to be reasonable enough to support her while acknowledging her own limits. She didn’t know whether nor how the two were related but she was glad that Siyeon could find such a person.

The two decided to head back to the city, as Siyeon asked her thoughts about the ambitious projects her club had for the coming year. If it was at the back of their mind that Yoohyeon would surely not see their completion, they didn’t mention it and managed to carry out that same verve Siyeon spoke with. There were moments of hesitation, inevitable at the weight words could hide, but that’s not what she wanted to remember the most.

The plan for the day was going well, Yoohyeon caught herself thinking.

Until...

Of course, life always strived to show her that she shouldn’t make plans anymore with an ironic relentlessness she didn’t find funny at all. Coincidences kept piling up that she could really believe the universe was trying to tell her something. Except that she knew it was all the work of coincidences. It still wasn’t funny, but in retrospect, that could have been what she was still waiting for.

About an hour and a half or so after the kick-off of what was set to be an intimidating yet healing day of patching things up between friends, she received a phone call. That in itself is worth mentioning because Yoohyeon hardly received calls. From whom could she, right? She’d made sure that she had no hospital examination that day, her parents knew she was with Siyeon, Siyeon was with her and Jiu never called because they didn’t have that much to say that texts wouldn’t be enough for. After all, both messages and calls weren’t exactly fitted to their usual interactions, even less to the lack thereof.

However, her phone kept buzzing, which rightly so surprised her because for those reasons, and in order to officially dismiss the disturbance as an insignificant case of wrong number, she fished the device out of her jacket’s pocket to check the caller’s ID.

How wrong she was.

It was Jiu.

She immediately wondered why.

She excused herself to Siyeon with a sign of the hand and picked up without a second thought, revealing the identity of the impromptu caller to her friend while waiting for the call to connect.

“ _Hi sweetheart, how are you?_ ”

There was nothing in her tone that could betray any gravity; it was as soft as she remembered. The words, though, were unusual.

“Since when do we ask each other that?”

It was maybe the most insignificant question one could ask, yet one they always skipped in their greetings.

“ _I think that’s what normal people do on the phone, I wanted to try. So?_ ”

“Holding on I guess, you?”

“ _That’s good. Well, I just did something a little bit crazy…_ ”

“What do you mean?”

“ _Hmmm, how to say… where are you right now?_ ”

“Wolmi. But wait. Where are you?”

“ _The pier? That’s not too far, I think. Can we meet?_ ”

The way Jiu kept avoiding her questions sent her brain all over the place, but there was only one conclusion.

“Jiu, tell me you didn’t…”

“ _I can… but you know that would be a lie. Can we meet?_ ”

The plan for the day was going well, she thought.

Until she threw away the plan.

* * *

Instead of having the older girl come all the way to the pier, she and Siyeon directly went where she was by riding a taxi. The ride was a short one, leaving her little time to elaborate scenarios of what could have happened, especially since Siyeon was also bombarding her with questions about why she was so distraught and pressing to join the other patient. Naturally, her friend had no idea that Jiu being out of the hospital could mean something entirely different from a regular discharge, and seeing her in such a state could only hint at something serious. Yoohyeon, on the contrary, knew too well what it meant and she couldn’t offer a decent explanation to the quizzical assault. Siyeon should be able to get the big picture once they make it to her location anyway.

Her mind went back to that time when Jiu told her there was the possibility that she would be the one to escape, when Yoohyeon had jokingly requested to get the notice. About that last part, it wouldn’t be out of character that Jiu would indeed do so simply because of her asking. That never implied she had to do it in person, so the fact that she insisted to meet, whatever the reason, was causing tugs at her heart. They weren't so special to each other but enough to deserve that regard. Still, it had only been banter then, the sudden reality of it surprising her because it was somewhat contradicting what Jiu had told her early on.

She thought she would stay on the 7th floor.

But she didn’t.

Jiu was waiting on a bench in a park near the station, gazing at her surroundings in a candid manner. When she spotted them arriving, she waved her hand in front of her to greet them, much like this was a casual gathering. Like Yoohyeon suspected, she was clad in her pajamas, a clear indication that there wouldn’t be any discharge to discuss. She had nothing with her but her phone and a small pouch. Trailing after her, Siyeon was even more confused than before and probably getting that she wouldn’t get answers for the time being, she had stopped throwing rhetorical questions.

Yoohyeon didn’t know why she felt such an urgency to the situation when she was aware from her own experience that no one cared about random people in pajamas in the streets. Maybe because she sensed that this time wasn’t just about a tentative outing to and back from the station and that she most likely wouldn’t see Jiu again after this encounter.

Her steps were slightly rushed, not near actually running but faster than her usual walking pace and before she knew it, she was facing a smiling Jiu.

“Hi again, sweetheart. Siyeon-ssi, long time no see.”

Siyeon returned the greeting, slightly disarmed at the banality of the exchange, making her wonder briefly how her friend thought about the gap between Jiu’s composed demeanor and her own agitation from the ride. Siyeon mostly knew Jiu through what she and Gahyeon would tell her and rarely had the both of them personally interacted, after all.

“Why?”

There were probably more appropriate things Yoohyeon could have replied but that was the only one that encompassed all the questions she had. She left it to Jiu to start wherever she wanted.

“I wanted to see you, of course! It’s… It’s time for me to go.”

“I thought you’d stay there.”

“I said I’d prefer it, didn’t I?”

“Ah…”

“Right, that’s what you said. I remember. Where are you going, then?”

She tried to not let much of her dejection peek through as she raised her head that was unconsciously hung low.

“I don’t know yet. Actually, I didn’t decide where, only when.”

The girl, who was looking at her this whole time, averted her gaze to Siyeon before saying that, as if gauging her reaction. She didn’t seem affected by her presence, but purposely kept their talk cryptical enough, the same she herself did, though she detected in Jiu’s voice traces of the conflict the other patient had always been caught into. Her friend wasn’t like them, so she didn’t have to hear it explicitly. It felt even stranger that at that moment, Jiu was the only one wearing pajamas. Yet, even if Yoohyeon was dressed normally, it wouldn’t remove the fact that they were the same. If there had to be one, Siyeon was the anomaly in their world.

“And it’s now.”

“Yes-”

As if signaling there was nothing more to say, Jiu coughed loudly, startling Siyeon who rushed to her side, while she could only stay rooted in her spot, unable to say anything.

“It’s okay, Siyeon-ssi.”

“Jiu-ssi, wouldn’t it be better to go back to the hospital?”

“No, this is a special situation.”

Yoohyeon didn’t hear what they said afterwards. Her thoughts drowned all the exterior sounds as she watched the girl reassure Siyeon.

This was goodbye. In other words, the last time they saw each other and Jiu was going who knows where. She felt helpless again, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to interfere with her decision.

This was indeed a special situation, a once in a lifetime one, something that didn’t bear the uncertainty they had parted with before. To think Jiu was going alone, like she had been on the 7th floor for days, didn’t sit right with her.

Jiu came to say goodbye.

She didn’t text, or call, she came to find her.

If she wanted to do something for her, it was now or never.

But what could she do?

No, what did she want to do?

“I’ll go with you.”

“What?”

The two interrupted whatever they were saying and snapped their head at her. Siyeon was the one who spoke up first, reacting as if she had said something completely lunatic. Jiu followed, not as strongly, but definitely not ecstatic either.

Was it that absurd?

“Angel, my decision, not yours.”

“That has nothing to do with that. You didn’t ask anything, this is me. You’re choosing to go, I’m choosing to accompany you. I... want to see where you go. I-”

Her heart was beating crazy fast, and like a mirror effect, her thoughts were let out loud faster than she had time to process them.

There had to be something more she could do, something that would be both for herself and for her.

That’s when she remembered something.

What now felt a very long time ago, she had put much effort into achieving something she never had a use for. A time when she was still a regular girl from the outside. A time she had almost forgotten. A time when she had gotten her driver’s license to see the world.

“I’ll drive you there.”

“I don’t even know where I’ll go.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“If I don’t want you to?”

By then, she knew the older enough to get she was challenging her on her motives, her words weighed precisely albeit open to interpretation. It didn’t mean at all she didn’t want her to be present or not, it was to make sure it was her own choice and she wasn’t simply following suit. If her reply didn’t show that, she would be met with refusal without a doubt.

“Then you tell me that and I’ll consider whether I comply or not.”

Getting up from Jiu’s side, Siyeon stood up to place herself in between the two patients, effectively stopping the exchange.

“You’re kidding, right? I have no idea what you’re thinking about but I’m sure this is a bad idea. Not only don’t you have a car but you haven’t been behind a wheel in like a year and you’re both- Look, let’s take some time to think it over?”

“No, you heard Jiu. It’s now. We can take my parents’ car.”

She honestly didn’t know where this feeling of adrenaline came from, making her so confident in speaking about a non-plan that hadn’t even been put into action, but the moment she said she would go with Jiu, it was as if something had clicked inside of her. Things got clearer in her mind but felt so new, almost overwhelming, that she didn’t have time to ponder on what it was exactly.

“And how do you want to do that? There’s no way they’ll let you take it like that.”

“We go back to my place and advise something there. I don’t plan on asking. Once we get the keys, we take off.”

“Then I’ll come with you as well. I can’t just stand by and do nothing.”

“No. What do you want to do? Sit in the car? You don’t even have your license.”

As much as she appreciated Siyeon’s concern over them, it wouldn’t help them in any way with their current discussion. Arguing with her was the last thing she wanted, but Siyeon didn’t relent and kept trying to find reasons to either dissuade them or to go with them, while she kept bringing up what could only be called excuses. Maybe it was at that moment that all they had left unsaid earlier that morning came bursting in a different form. All that while she still hadn’t got a reply from Jiu, who got up from the bench to catch their attention.

“Siyeon-ssi.”

She sounded so firm that the two best friends immediately went quiet.

“Yes?”

Siyeon took a step aside as she still had her back turned to the older patient.

“I refuse that you come. Please stay out of this.”

“What about me?”

Jiu searched once more in her eyes, making the wait extremely long even if it was only a matter of seconds.

“If it’s you... Hmmh… I guess that’s fine. Who am I to stop you?”

The girl referred to herself as a hypocrite and perhaps, this was the most blatant case of it she had ever witnessed from her, not trying to hide the preferential treatment nor justifying it. Or perhaps, there weren’t double standards to begin with. Siyeon’s answer had been the pitfall she avoided and resulted in pure honesty.

Yoohyeon let out a relieved sigh.

“Singnie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m sorry... I want to go, but I don’t want you to either. Even if you don’t understand, please.”

Siyeon didn’t welcome it the way she did. She noticed how her eyes got watery, especially when she mentioned the last part, but she was the one who had reminded her first. She could only hug her to tell her she wouldn’t back down.

“Not fair, Hyeonie…”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“...”

“Told you not to say sorry. Let me at least help you get the car.”

“...”

“Thanks.”

“Oh god, this is so wrong.”

“It is what it is.”

* * *

Another taxi ride later, much more tense than the previous one, the three of them were in front of Yoohyeon’s apartment door. Jiu was the calmest out of them, occasionally making some of her unique comments to either lighten up the mood or fill the silence, but a part of her still wondered if it was really okay for her to barge into her sudden escape. Yoohyeon was delaying something that was supposed to be on the spur of the moment. She was aware that she was somehow imposing but facts were, the escapee hadn’t opposed it.

She typed in the code to enter, silently hoping for her parents to have gone out and preferably, without the car. They’d often preferred to use public transportation so she didn’t worry much about that. It would just be a bit more difficult to slip out without being suspicious if they were present.

Unfortunately, as soon the lock beeped open and she tentatively called out to anyone, to her dismay, she heard her mother respond.

“Hyeon-ah, you’re back already?”

She cursed under her breath. Obviously it had to be the difficult way, but that wouldn’t be enough to deter her. Motioning to the others to stay in the corridor for the time being, she pushed the door, allowing her to carefully step in and check if there was someone in view. No one, which meant her mom must be in the kitchen. What about her dad?

“Yeah, we’re just making a quick stop! I forgot to take something to give to Siyeon!”

“Ah, she’s still with you? Tell her to come in and say hi!”

The less time they spent here the better it would be.

She looked back at Siyeon who gave an uninspired face in return but entered nonetheless, then at Jiu who whispered she would just wait there as she sat on the floor and readjusted the jacket Yoohyeon had passed her while in the taxi. At least, if anyone came by, it wouldn’t be too obvious she’s not supposed to be there.

“If this works, it’ll be our biggest stunt ever, Hyeonie.”

“Totally.”

The best friends bumped their fist together in a cheering fashion. It’s not that it should be complicated, it’s just they had to avoid questions because for sure her parents wouldn’t like the answer. Also, what was at stake here was slightly different from their random adventures as kids.

After closing the door, they made their way to the kitchen to greet her mom, who unsurprisingly hogged Siyeon to ask all sorts of things. The girl had always been good at entertaining her mom on her own, which had already saved them quite a lot in the past. This time was no exception and had they not been in the middle of a serious operation, she could have laughed at the crap Siyeon got into telling. She quickly excused herself as her mom was preparing the teapot by pretending to go retrieve the things they supposedly came back for.

She tried to spot her dad in the other rooms, to no avail, so it was probably best to look for the keys first. Going back to the entrance, she searched through drawers to find the desired item, making sure she wouldn’t make too much noise even though she tried to be as fast as possible. Thankfully, whatever errand her dad was on didn’t require the car. Once that was done, she passed by the kitchen again, the bribes she heard confirming Siyeon was still doing an outstanding job as an actress.

She went to her room this time to fetch things they might need. Jiu had said she’d decided when but she didn’t know when that was exactly. Probably not too long, but it would definitely be overnight. She grabbed a duffel bag that was lying around and threw her medication in first, along with her prescription. Jiu’s current state of clothing definitely being neither appropriate or worthy of what they would undertake, she then moved to her closet, stuffing the bag with enough to last a few days. More than that and they would have to find a laundromat. Some hygiene essentials. Her eyeglass case.

Falling short on immediate ideas, she stood in the middle of her room, scanning around for anything she might have overlooked. Jiu had her wallet in the jacket she leant her, which reminded her to take another one for herself. She could withdraw money later. She had her phone.

“What’s taking you so long, Hyeon-ah? Come sit with us for a while!”

“Just a minute! I must have placed it somewhere else when I was cleaning the other day!”

The words came out too easily, although, don’t get her wrong, each of them pained her. She didn’t want to face her parents actually, it would make it more difficult. She could just go for a brief moment and say they need to go on with their day. That wouldn’t be too far from the truth.

Her eyes fell on her camera, a mirrorless she got after a summer of part-time job once upon a time. Before she was admitted to the hospital, it had been her daily companion, but this time, they weren’t going sightseeing; the memories she would keep in her heart and soul instead of a flashdrive. Next to it, there was Siyeon’s console. She had bought an extra game since she had finished the others, and also as a small thank you for the occupation her friend had provided. For now… she could give it back. She grabbed the protective case and the charger, looked around one last time. Not seeing anything that would be worth bringing, she slung the bag on her shoulder and exited the room. Hopefully, Siyeon had prevented her mom from pulling out a whole tea ceremony on them.

That was the exact moment her dad chose to come back.

Those coincidences were quite annoying.

“Oh, Yoohyeon.”

His gaze automatically went to the bag as he removed his shoes. It wasn’t judging, simply unsuspecting curiosity but that was enough to shake the confidence she had, giving this unpleasant sensation of being a deer caught in the headlight.

“Are you going somewhere? I thought you were with your friend.”

“Ah, that’s…”

She tried to remain calm in appearance, but unease was quickly building up inside. If he just came back, then he must have seen Jiu waiting at the door and she had to come up with something to explain why they were visibly doing a field trip with hospital patients wearing white bracelets.

However, instead of those questions that never came, someone arrived.

“Ah, Mr. Kim, hello! It’s been so long! Hyeonie, why are you carrying my bag? Wow, you’re really making me look like garbage. I could’ve fetched it myself.”

Siyeon took the bag from her and gave her a playful nudge in the shoulder.

“I thought it was yours. Don’t you have one that looks the same?”

That was extremely perceptive of him, though his confusion sounded like he was genuinely wondering. Maybe she was worrying about nothing, but she didn’t know what to expect. Her parents were nice people, but understandably got very protective. Her father was to an extent; her mother especially so.

They definitely shouldn’t stay longer than necessary. She had to stop overthinking and pull herself together.

“Come on, dad. Owning the same items is best friend culture!”

She leaned closer to Siyeon and made a ridiculous pose. The latter got the unspoken message and replicated it almost instantly, like crafted chemistry. Her father laughed at the scene, any other thought he might have seemingly forgotten.

“And you found my Switch, coooool.”

“Youngsters these days…”

For a short moment, time slowed down. It felt as if nothing was wrong, what simply happens when a friend comes over and your parents are happy to see their child enjoy themselves. For a short moment, she thought that it couldn’t be so bad to simply stay there.

But that’s why she had to be even more careful, for it was an illusion she had created.

After a couple of small talk questions in which her mom had also joined, playfully nagging to have been ditched for her husband, Yoohyeon cut the visit short by not so subtly complaining about the time.

“Mom, we really need to go. We’re, uh, going to the movies.”

“Oh, that’s such a pity...”

“Another time maybe?”

“Of course, dear, you’re always welcome here. You’re such a good friend to our Hyeon-ah.”

“Have fun, then. Don’t stay out too late, okay?”

If she didn’t feel bad enough before, it now became horrible.

“Sure, dad.”

* * *

When the entrance door closed again, she remained there for a minute, looking at the ground, not even noticing that Jiu wasn’t there anymore. Retrieving those keys had been an ordeal, but not for the reasons she expected.

The touch of Siyeon’s hand on her shoulder and her calling her name brought her back to the present.

“Hey, are you sure about this?”

She was. She thought so at least, but it was so hard. She nodded regardless.

Jiu was still waiting when she wasn’t supposed to and… visibly somewhere that’s not her front door, she observed, mortified, making her look around nervously.

Where did she go?

Did they take too much time?

Had she never had the intention of waiting?

It was like the girl heard her thoughts because she appeared out of nowhere at the end of the corridor.

“Angel.”

“Gosh, you didn’t leave.”

“Hmmh. Realized it could become complicated if I was just waiting there. I’m pretty good at playing dumb, but not everyone buys it.”

She inhaled deeply. So her dad hadn’t seen her at all, that’s why he didn’t ask.

“Did you get the keys?”

“Yes… Let’s go.”

* * *

“Hyeonie, I’ve never seen you like this. Just what in the world are you going to do?”

Through the rear-view mirror, she met Siyeon’s gaze. She had given up on convincing her to backtrack, but couldn’t help voicing her concern. On her part, she had stopped denying it, but couldn’t offer the reassurance her friend might seek.

“I won’t say. Not now.”

When, she wondered.

“Jiu-ssi, I guess it’s useless to ask you?”

“Of course.”

“Aren’t you two a stubborn pair. Geez, Yoohyeon, you better have a good explanation for that one. I doubt your parents will ever let me in after they find out we basically stole their car. But not now, I get it.”

She turned around to face her properly. The seatbelt hindered her movement, so she pulled on it to ease her position.

“I don’t think I could ever tell you how thankful I am. Really, I mean it.”

“I know. Well, think about it when you have time. Thanks for the ride. See ya.”

She didn’t start the engine again until she saw the retreating figure of Siyeon’s back enter the building, until the door closed and couldn’t see her at all. Driving her back home seemed so little compared to all she did for her in a little less than an hour. She would have more things to tell her. When, she wondered.

But now...

It was only the two of them in the car.

At last.

“Is it okay for me to come?”

Seated on the passenger seat, Jiu looked peaceful with her eyes closed. Save for the piece of vinyl that she hadn’t removed from her wrist, her attire was all that of a regular person. If she hadn’t heard her speak just before, she would have thought she fell asleep and feared to interrupt her momentary rest.

“I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“Just making sure.”

“Hmmh.”

She took a moment to observe the neighborhood. Familiar, though unrecognizable. A strange feeling. The rush was wearing down and her mind felt blank.

Clouds had filled up the sky, the trees were being swept by the wind. People were going on with their lives and they were blending in perfectly.

“Looks like it’s going to rain soon… So, anywhere you want to go?”

“I’m still thinking about it, give me a moment.”

Crossing her arms atop the wheel as she leant forward, she closed her eyes as well and basked in the respite in her mind.

A wild morning it had been.

She didn’t know how long passed before Jiu spoke.

“To the south.”

“The south? Nothing precise?”

“I’ll tell you as we go.”

“Any reason for this place?”

“Not really. I thought it could be pretty. Will you drive me there?”

"..."

“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! The longest chapter so far happens over the shortest amount of time, but finally, the timelines connected, phew! I kindly invite you to reread past updates for the full experience. There's not much time left, so I wanted to ask you, are there any question you'd like Yoohyeon to ask Jiu? From the most trivial to the most metaphysical, I'll try to integrate it to the story. It can also be a question that's already been asked / mentionned in previous chapters... Anything! Who knows, Jiu might answer differently this time? Likewise, if you have questions you'd like Siyeon to ask Yoohyeon, feel free.
> 
> Take care, and of course, give lots of love and support to Dreamcatcher for Boca and Lose Myself!


	10. D3: Twilight of truth

“Tongyeong. What next?”

“Doesn’t really matter. Anything is fine.”

“I see what you’re trying to do but I’m not the one who wanted to come here, so you’re gonna have to tell me. Aren't we crossing items off your bucket list also?”

“Not really. I've already completed the list."

"Oh."

"Surprising?”

“Actually... not really. That you have one and that you completed it, I mean. Quite difficult to explain. But, hey. I’m pretty sure it involved a lot of pastries.”

“I… can’t deny that. But running away wasn't part of it, in case you’re wondering. It’s also something I want, but… not on the list.”

“Then are we here because the list is completed?”

“Not that either… Do you have one? A list?”

“I guess I had stuff I really wanted to do before...”

“But?”

“It doesn’t seem as worth it now. You know, things like take the full Trans-Siberian ride or visit ruins of ancient civilizations. Well, documentaries were made for something. Besides, I aren’t we already on one great adventure? That will do. Now... I think I just have things to tell people?"

“That explains last night.”

“Ha, I wanted to let you know.”

“You’re brave, angel.”

“Is that bravery, when I don’t have anything to lose?”

“Having things you want to do, or say… Isn’t that something to lose already?”

“Ah… Could be. I’ll never win with you, right?”

“You definitely can.”

“I’ll try a bit longer and claim ‘stubborn’ as my middle name, then.”

“Quite fitting, I must say. That’s probably mine as well.”

“Two people, one name. Kim Stubborn, yes, I don’t know anyone else in this car. But seriously, what do you wanna do? Don’t think I’ll let you off the hook. Do you need suggestions?”

For the first time since they left Incheon, Yoohyeon turned on her phone with the intent of looking for points of interest, as she didn’t know anything about the city. As soon as she unlocked the device, notifications for messages and missed calls popped up for about a minute, most of them from her parents from what she caught, some from Siyeon, some unknown numbers. She watched them flash up without second thoughts, unaffected. Her mind was clear, much like the sky was that day.

The second night in the car had been much more peaceful than the first. The thoughts didn’t bother her for too long, letting her sleep as comfortably as a car seat can get, even for a day. She still woke up at dawn, but she watched the sunrise feeling more rested and very much inspired. Even with this dysfunctional body of hers, she felt like nothing could shake her. The ache was still there, inevitable, but not as overpowering as before.

Now that they had reached their arbitrary objective, they needed a new one and while she could offer ideas about things they could do like in any other city, it was reasonable to let Jiu start off the day. If she even knew what there was to do there.

As it turned out, Yoohyeon had fairly underestimated the amount of TV shows the older woman had watched over the past years. She still had her finger hovering over her map application when her companion asked her if she was afraid of heights. At her negative answer, she settled for the cable car, a must-see when visiting the region. The nonchalance of her tone completed the assurance of her words to make one think she had already been there, when she only based her proposition on what she remembered from a screen. Spending the little money they had left on ferry tickets to go to some of the islands Tongyeong was famous for wasn’t worth it to her, especially considering the car would stay on the mainland.

Located on the southern part of the city, the cable car ran up the mountain to offer a stunning view over the spread out islands. They arrived not long after the opening, with only a few other early birds waiting before them.

Another type of car, Yoohyeon thought. One that she wasn’t driving, giving her for once the opportunity to observe her moving surroundings without fearing for an accident. But instead of going further south, they were going higher. And the higher they went, the smaller individual buildings got, the more of everything she could see, vehicles and people becoming merely insignificant dots of colors lost in the waves of those smaller and smaller washed out buildings.

The ride was silent, save for a few trivia Jiu gave about the touristic appeals of the place. Other than that, she too was focused on the distance, a pensive look painted over her features.

The higher they went, the lighter she felt.

* * *

“You know, when I ran away from the hospital... I tried to literally run.”

“How did that go?”

“Not very well... my legs didn’t listen. I fell.”

“And that made you think we could… go on a hike?”

“It’s such a good day, it would be a shame not to.”

“Ah… Even if you say so…”

“I admit... It wasn’t my brightest idea either… My body is killing me.”

“Breaking news, huh.”

“I’m just feeling it even more right now. Let’s go very slowly like… two steps a minute.”

Jiu decided that they would go even higher than the cable car. Not that she had opposed it – she agreed to it; she was still a willing woman – but they were on their way up to the top of the mountain, after beholding the already breathtaking view from the platform. The path was made of stairs, which was already better than a raw hiking trail given the slope, but with their poor excuse of a physical condition, the whole thing was an ordeal. She didn’t care much about the old people that were passing them by, but a tiny part of her pride was still hurt to cruise at the average speed of a snail. Or maybe not struggling; they were definitely not trying to go full speed even before their fifth break. The sign said the hike up was about twenty minutes but for them… she couldn’t say. It was just taking a lot of time because they tried to not exert their body too much.

Kim Stubborn Stupidly Paradoxical.

That should be their extended shared name.

They were still making progress, step by step, literally. The way up had numerous view points to appreciate the scenery and they stopped at each of them and in-between, waiting until after the stinging in their legs stopped and their laboured breathing returned to acceptable levels to resume the hike.

It was physically draining, that much was obvious, but strangely, Yoohyeon never considered giving up. However long it would take them, they would see that summit, just continuing on the movement they had started earlier. Each step, along with the observatory platform before that, was already rewarding her with a snippet of the view, an incentive making her anticipate the whole picture. Maybe it was human nature making man want to elevate themselves as high as possible, greedy to reach heights they shouldn't even dream of, but the thought of turning back didn't cross her mind. Somehow it was weird, because she didn’t think she would be disappointed not to reach the top if things happened to be that way.

“Agreed. I don’t think I’ll feel my legs after today.”

Her companion didn't express anything of the sort either.

They were simply acknowledging it was a really stupid idea, but one they were rolling with anyway, indifferent to the output.

* * *

Eventually, they still make it to the top, the stone pillar engraved with the mountain’s name placed in the center of the summit’s space coming into view, sealing their untold achievement for good.

Mireuksan, 461 meters.

Especially considering the advance the cable car gave them, she didn’t know how much they really climbed but it felt as intense as if they had just climbed Hallasan. Tired of that much effort, the older directly went to sit down to rest while Yoohyeon approached the guardrail that faced the south, curious of how different it would be from the platforms below. With her hand, she shielded herself from the sunlight that fell to the side of her face, the action providing instant relief on her eyes.

She could see so far away now.

The land broke into several small islands, spreading on the water until they dissipated into the haze blurring the line where the sea touched the sky. If she didn’t know better, she could have thought she’d reached the end of the world. Yet, she hadn’t and what she saw before her wasn’t as much the immensity but rather how small she was within all this. It started as a tiny speck of dust, just being there in the open, swirling to the wind. A thought that had been overwhelming at times, but wasn’t from this height. Only this time, she knew it wasn’t only because of the ocean. The sensation of her heart swelling from the day before when she was driving came back. It then grew in her chest like a harmless flame, fanned by the breeze of the altitude, making her all the more comfortable with the thought as time passed.

Her contemplation wasn’t even broken by the arm she felt hooking to hers and the familiar warmth that accommodated beside her.

“You’ve been smiling a lot more since yesterday. It’s good to see. Suits you better than a frown. And it complements the scenery very well.”

Yoohyeon didn’t turn her head and closed her eyes instead to lose herself even more in the atmosphere. The view, Jiu’s voice… Another of those compositions she didn’t need to see to appreciate. She tried to engrave it in her memory, wanting to retain more of the feeling than the details. A sense of euphoria. She leant on the barrier as she usually did at the pier, slowly filling her lungs with as much air she could let in before releasing it in an appeased sigh.

“You’re exaggerating.”

“A smile is a smile. It doesn’t need to be beaming to tell a story. I think I know yours… Contentment?”

“They say that when you’re in love with someone you tend to look like them. Must be that.”

“Because I’m always content? I would have said it's the smile of a realization but that’s a great line.”

“Right?”

Jiu hummed in acknowledgment. Jokes aside, Yoohyeon took the opportunity to explain further her feelings at the moment.

"I feel like I'm floating. In a good way. I like it."

She finally opened her eyes to look at her companion, making sure to cross gaze with her. Surely, the woman had a small smile on, making hers grow slightly wider.

“What story does yours tell?”

“It’s moving. I'm sure there were many others just as pretty, but this view is beautiful..."

There were many other stories Yoohyeon saw written on Jiu’s smile, in her eyes directed at the sea, only leaving her to question how she could read them without being able to give a truthful account of it, if she ever could. Her companion was always a step further it seemed, and Yoohyeon was always right behind, even when they were side by side. The frustration that could have come from it, however, had what felt so long, but wasn’t, dissolved with the foam of the waves.

They watched the distance in silence, words not needed as it would be useless to grasp exactly what made this moment fleeting.

Deep down, she knew what.

She just didn’t dwell on it.

And she realized there was another possibility, that they were walking at the same pace after all, but on parallel lines, holding onto each other like they could.

Which was it?

* * *

As they made their way back to the trail leading to the cable car after touring the platform, they were stopped by two women around their age. Their hiking gear hinted they had made the full hike to the top and skipped on the cable car. Yoohyeon didn’t want to think how long it would have taken them to do the same, had they had even thought about it, but it must be nice when you were able to do so.

“Excuse me, could you take a picture of us?”

The one who spoke had shoulder length light brown hair and Yoohyeon noticed in her voice some faint traces of an accent she couldn’t place. She sounded confident however, which also showed in the way she carried herself with straightened back and shoulders. In comparison, the one accompanying her seemed more laid-back and reserved, but it was difficult to tell without hearing her talk. Without waiting for a reply, the woman extended a reflex camera towards them.

“Sure.”

Without thinking, Yoohyeon grabbed the camera and wrapped the strap around her wrist, securing the device from a fall. Next to her, Jiu wordlessly let go of her arm so she could attend her photographic duties by the stone pillar, but not without giving her a nudge in the side, like she already knew what would happen.

“You just need to press the big button on the top right.”

She hadn’t taken pictures in a while, even less with dedicated equipment, but her instincts kicked in naturally. Annoyed by the screen view she actually found more difficult to use, she switched to the viewfinder. She brought the small lens to her right eye, then stabilized her position by sticking her arms to her body as much as she could, making sure she had stable footing at the same time.

Even a souvenir picture like this deserved to be taken properly, she thought. She was actually the first one surprised that she would put care into the action. She took several shots with different framings, not quite sure of what the woman wanted. Since it didn’t matter that much with digital, she could choose later which one she preferred. It couldn’t hurt to have more than a basic centered subject one the context called for, especially when the background also deserved to be shown. The women held each other close next to the pillar, and just by moving the objective slightly to the side, she could show them dominating the city, the bright weather emphasizing the pride of the moment. At least, that’s how she saw it.

A picture was after all a point of view from the photographer, freezing a point of time into a lasting representation. It might not meet the perception of the subject. Never true to the whole scene they were living now, but still the most accurate to impartiality. It retained the facts, not the emotions. But perhaps with photography, the material became the catalyst to remember the feeling, some sort of assistance in the future for an altered or fading memory. Still she knew it, pictures from professionals could convey emotions on their own, poetry even from alien places and people, but how this worked precisely she had no idea. But what did you want to immortalize when you are the subject? Could you catch what she tried to engrave in her soul earlier? That fleeting feeling?

While she was pondering on this, the other pair nodded approvingly as they discovered the set of shots, seemingly happy with what she proposed. The woman slung back the camera across her chest and looked back at her.

“Thank you. Perhaps you want us to take a picture of you too?”

Maybe it was normal to offer back in this type of situation, but the question came unexpected. Suddenly, those interrogations in her mind became concrete. She and Jiu had never taken a picture together. She wouldn’t completely say it was because it was useless but because it was just not on their mind. On her part, Yoohyeon had been for the past months more concerned about feeling disconnected from everything than wanting to pose for photos, two activities that were polar opposites. She turned to her companion to enquire about her thoughts on the matter. The latter smiled with a light shrug.

“Up to you. The picture will last longer.”

She gave an unimpressed look at the reply.

“Well, why not.”

What could you expect of two indifferent people?

Still, she was still feeling good that day and didn’t see a reason to refuse. She got her phone out, unlocking it before handing it over. Reaching for Jiu next to her, she guided them where the women stood previously. Not really having anything specific in mind, she simply leant her head towards her companion, who did the same in return.

It felt strange to be under the gaze of two strangers purposely when it had just been the two of them all this time and even stranger to see their thin silhouettes smile under this beautiful sky, light softer from the scorching summer days they had left, adding to the tranquility of the moment. Now that she thought about it, while she was used to seeing Jiu, she had rather unconsciously avoided her own reflection, even at home with the full-length mirror she had in her room. However, she didn’t react to it as strongly as she would have thought.

It was them.

Quite frankly, she wasn’t so sure she would look again at this photograph, but she thanked the woman anyway for her time. Because in the end, even if Yoohyeon wouldn’t look at it, it still immortalized something.

That proof of their journey, the trace that they had been there in the world, at the top of this mountain.

* * *

Hiking up a mountain admittedly wasn’t the greatest idea ever in itself, but above all because you had to climb down at some point, which meant once again taking the full measure of their physical shortcomings. Jiu especially, had her legs threatening to give out a couple times before she called for a longer pause, saying she was feeling slightly light-headed. Sitting down next to her on the stairs, Yoohyeon offered her shoulder for the older to rest on.

“I might fall asleep.”

“Take as long as you need.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you cold?”

“No. You're warm.”

Her companion turned silent, leaving her to stare at the stairs they still had to go down. They weren’t that far from the summit but even that had taken them more time than the other way around. The small steps approach could only work for so long, she figured, and they might have been too eager to be on their way like this. There wasn’t anything remarkable as the previous time this situation had occurred they were in the car, where Yoohyeon could keep driving and where she was the actual decision-maker of their numerous breaks. However, this wasn’t possible on foot. If one of them needed to stop, they both stopped.

The trail had become busier than when they had started going up, understandable as the time was also more reasonable, though not enough for them to disturb the flow of visitors while sitting on the same step.

Raising her gaze up over the trees that lined the outer side, slowly to make sure she wouldn’t do any harsh movement, she found once again the sky to be exceptionally beautiful. She didn’t know why the idea lingered on her mind so much that day but everytime she looked at it, that was the first thing that came to her. Maybe it should have been the last but there was no logic here. It wasn’t a spotless clear sky, but a sparsely-clouded one, offering more depth than a simple monochromatic blue. She wouldn’t go as far as calling the latter bland, but the patches and veils of white here and there made for some eye-catching points, as if a superior beauty couldn’t come from the immaculate.

When she looked back down at the stairs, Yoohyeon was greeted with a familiar figure and camera that made a sudden stop and turned around to stare at her. While most people would feel uncomfortable from getting caught, trying to avoid confrontation with shifty eyes, that didn’t happen here. A split second of perplexity flashed on the woman’s face, as if she was making her mind about something, which quickly reverted back to confidence, or maybe something in between insolent detachment and dignity. As she took a step up instead of resuming her way down, her focus never left Yoohyeon. The woman with shorter hair didn’t realize right away the other had stopped and gone backwards, and she ultimately had more steps to catch up with the other, now a mere meter away from her. She also seemed to wonder what was up but didn’t voice it. 

“Is everything okay?”

Now, that was a question Yoohyeon certainly didn’t expect and it wasn’t simply because of her past social experiment of walking around in pajamas in general indifference. When the woman spoke, she turned to Jiu briefly, but the latter kept mum, probably too dozed already to notice or care.

“We’re fine. Thank you for your concern.”

“She doesn’t look fine to me. Do you need us to call a doctor or something?”

And if she was objective, she would have replied yes. It’s not like she hadn’t noticed or hadn’t offered to stop for longer. However, this has always been how she had known Jiu and because she knew it was useless to state otherwise. After all, even if she still questioned the choice of hiking as an activity, she knew what the older was doing and she wouldn’t have escaped the hospital to run back to doctors as soon as things got complicated anyways. Especially not when complicated was their norm.

“There’s no need, really. She just needs a break.”

Yoohyeon kept her composure – she didn’t have any reason not to, but the woman didn’t let go. That’s when Yoohyeon found herself even more astonished at the persistence the woman showed to be involved, telling her she had seen from afar the moment right before they stopped when Jiu wobbled, how surprised she was that only made it this far when it’s been long since they had parted at the top, where themselves had lingered. Yet when she said that, it wasn't with a condescending tone, nor a worried one. Yoohyeon couldn't quite place it either, filled with strength yet not exactly caring, not defiant but challenging and trying to read her eyes didn't give her anything more to work on. The very definition of mysterious.

Somehow, it was like the woman knew.

But that was impossible, right?

At some point, probably from hearing Yoohyeon talk so much for no reason, Jiu snapped out of her daze. As expected, she assured that she was indeed fine but if that made the woman give up on calling assistance, she was still set on whatever it was and the two patients having all the time they wanted apparently wasn't good enough of a reason to refuse.

“Babe.”

“Yes?”

With how quiet the other had been, Yoohyeon was actually more surprised she had almost forgotten the woman wasn’t alone.

“Carry her on your back.”

“No, really, it’s okay.”

Jiu countered once more, in vain.

“It’s also okay. Dami loves helping people.”

“I do, but sorry if I sound rude Dongie, why don’t you do it?”

“Do I give off that vibe?”

The woman called Dami tried to roll her eyes not so evidently, but you could hear it in her voice anyway. She must have been used to this. Not protesting further, she took off her backpack to carry it from the front.

“Stupid question, nevermind.”

“Then you carry her. I’d like to have a chat with Ms. Photographer.”

“You could’ve just said so.”

With that, Dami reduced the distance they still had between them, crouching in front of Jiu as if she was reiterating the invitation.

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing all this time?”

Yoohyeon didn't know either where this will to argue with the woman came from, to take up on this imaginary challenge when she could have just wanted to help, although with an obvious tendency to not mind her own business. And maybe that was what she was trying to wrap around her mind. How she and Jiu were not invisible to her, just some girls that took pictures for them and that they would forget the week after. If they really blend in that much for that kind of random encounter could happen.

But maybe also the will to protect those moments, not letting anyone else in for too long. She had often wondered about what they had left in life and while she was now slowly coming to terms with the answer, those moments were definitely part of it.

Once more she had too many questions, too much desire for a meaning and this double display of insistence was just fueling it further. However… From any logical point of view, Jiu had better accept, not for the time she gave herself but for the resources she had. What bad could it do? As she was about to expose her reasoning, gentle tugs on her jacket sleeve called her to meet her companion’s sympathetic gaze.

“It’s fine, angel.”

It seemed she had thought the same.

“Better a car seat than stairs, right?”

Jiu turned to the crouched woman in front of her, who helped her get on her back.

“I’m in your care, then, gentlewoman… Dami? Is that it?”

“Correct, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. I’m Jiu. Thanks for carrying me.”

“No problem.”

Dami got up with ease, like the extra weight on her back didn’t represent much, then started climbing down slowly. Yoohyeon wasn’t ecstatic at the idea of leaving Jiu like this, even if it was just a few meters, a few minutes all in all, something that didn’t matter to them. That left her alone with the other woman, to whom she raised her head. She was sporting the same disinterested expression from before, yet extended a hand to help Yoohyeon back on her feet. The latter accepted it, only letting go once they started their own descent.

“You wanted to talk to me?”

“If you care so much about your girlfriend, how come you refused us to help her? Protective much, huh?”

“She refused too, didn’t she? And she’s not my girlfriend.”

“She’s not? Could’ve sworn so. Well, if not us, why didn’t you help her yourself?”

“I don’t know how it looks to you but I’m not in the greatest shape either. If I carry her, we both fall. So I’m standing by her side.”

If she thought more deeply about it, that would perhaps describe the best how their dynamics worked. A presence, a support to each other to an extent that will never turn to lift them up entirely. Because it was a fragile and dangerous balance. Not only physically but mentally, though for that last part Yoohyeon had felt like she was mostly on the receiving end than the contrary.

The woman looked at their feet and at the rhythm of the steps they took, how she would constantly go slightly faster before waiting, visibly understanding her point. Yoohyeon was slow; it was a factual observation and even if the woman slowed down consistently, she always ended up being faster. Presented with this new piece of information, the woman still didn’t seem embarrassed. Yoohyeon thought that was curious, because she was more used to making people uneasy.

“I guess so. What are you doing hiking then? Sounds very unreasonable to me.”

“There’s no reason. Just decided to.”

“Even if it takes the whole day?”

“Even if it takes the whole day. We managed going up on our own, after all. Why not down?”

“What a stubborn bunch of people you are.”

Yoohyeon couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her.

“We’ve been getting that a lot lately.”

“Is that so.”

The woman didn’t have a hard time believing her claims and in fact, she sounded genuinely amazed. She stopped in her tracks, passed her arm through the camera strap still secured across her chest before removing her backpack and placing it to her front, like Dami had done moments earlier. Once it was done, she slung back the camera to its previous position, one that indicated she was used to handling her camera while moving and cared enough to not let it dangle uncomfortably on her neck.

“I like you. Get on, I’ll carry you.”

“What?”

“You heard me; I’ll carry you. You’re right, you’re barely going any faster now that it’s only you.”

“Why are you doing that?”

“Just because. Same thing as you with hiking. Satisfied?”

“Do you always go around questioning strangers like that?”

“Only those who entertain my questions without being offended. Like you. Besides, don't you want to catch up with your precious whoever that Jiu girl is?"

And that’s how Yoohyeon also ended up being carried back to the cable car.

The woman’s name was Handong, and as they made small talk, Yoohyeon decided that she liked her too. She and Dami were both ditching their uni classes for an extended weekend in the south. Hiking was the very reason they had met in the first place, so they kept climbing whenever they could – or made time for. As Handong would return to her home country, though for a short period she hoped, at the end of the year which would mark the end of her exchange, spending time together had become a pressing desire.

The time constraint and other parallels that came with it might have hit a bit too close to home.

Yoohyeon shared about their wandering journey, that didn’t really hold any other goal than reaching Tongyeong. How she would take Jiu wherever she wanted to go. How she would be by her side even if she couldn't do anything more than that. How they were set on being on their own and how relying on others was a sensitive topic. Of course, Yoohyeon didn’t disclose the reason behind their behavior, but she let Handong know, sincerely and not out of courtesy this time, that she appreciated what they did.

And when they met with Dami and a sleeping Jiu back at the platform, after getting distanced admittedly quickly, she repeated her words of gratitude.

She didn’t forget to add that still they could have climbed down that damn mountain, even if it took them the whole week. A bit of a lie, but surely Handong would catch the hyperbole.

“Actually, you remind me of someone.”

Right before they parted, Handong mentioned that to her. She didn’t give more details, neither who nor in what way. Had that been the explanation to why she did all that to help them, she didn’t know. Handong could have not known either and made the comment just as a passing thought. Though by that time, Yoohyeon wanted to take and keep her actions as were, because on this beautiful day where no reason ruled them, where there should be no hopes nor expectations, she could be fine not knowing, so she didn’t ask for those details.

“In a good or a bad way?”

Just as another part of this random encounter that didn’t really make sense.

Handong thought for a while, eyebrows slightly brought up together like she was searching in her memories. Then, unexpectedly, her face relaxed and her lips broke into a smile, assured yet nostalgic, and it was Yoohyeon’s turn to be reminded of someone.

Kind of like Siyeon.

“Both. Be careful on your way.”

* * *

A nap for the both of them, some food and drinks and the car ran once more. Yoohyeon suggested they stop at a park, just to watch the people there, conversations light and comfortable as they each described what caught their attention, passing time with a change of scenery, hand squeezed into the other's like it was their own hold on reality.

Then the car ran again, probably around the middle of the afternoon when the sun was still high above, this time far out the city, along the shore that sometimes transformed into cliffs as the ground level rose, then lowered again for the sea to lay expanses of sand on the land. Yoohyeon only saw from the corner of her eyes when she briefly checked at her right, both at the outside rearview mirror and on her passenger and it was getting increasingly difficult to not get drawn to the view.

Her mind was brought back to all they’d seen since starting this journey, and thinking back on it, she doubted she would have been able to drive so quickly after, had they done the hike downwards. Unknowingly, Handong and Dami really did them a huge favor.

Her eyes were set far along the road as the kilometers went by.

How long they would continue…

How many stretches of yellow they would go by…

How many mountains they would see...

If time could freeze, she would wish for it to happen even when they were so far gone, so they could see all the mountains and oceans the world had to offer.

If there was someone up there, maybe she would ask them how entertaining their struggle was, for any other question wouldn't change their condition.

She did none of those.

That sounded so ridiculous.

Instead of that, she kept them moving.

Always going forward.

Maybe in circles, she didn't know, but always forward.

At some point, she even wondered if Jiu would ever tell her to stop.

And she almost didn't hear.

She almost didn’t hear, but the way Jiu only ever called her name on so rare instances always managed to have her break out from her reverie, automatically pull her back to the moment, making her forget wherever she was gone.

As she pulled over, she tried to etch that feeling deep within herself as well, in an ambitious attempt to turn the fleeting into something everlasting.

The place was another beach like one of the many others they had seen on the way, pretty much like the one they had stopped at the day before too. There was no trace of immediate activity nearby, save maybe from a few properties barely distinguishable in the distance.

Shoes in hand, pants rolled up under their knees, they trod on the sand that was still warm from the sunlight, which contrasted greatly with the cool of the water.

There was something child-like in how they wrote silly things in the sand only for the tide to wash away under their amused eyes, adult-like in the challenge they gave to nature as they made other inscriptions and drawings as soon as the previous one had faded enough.

Then, as it was the afternoon’s turn to fade, wind becoming more chilly as the sun started its descent, Jiu requested to be on her own for a while and asked if Yoohyeon could get her some water they kept in the car. She did so, stopping there and finally answering the avalanche of messages she had received from Siyeon in the morning. A simple text that everything was alright was sent, which immediately triggered another influx of notifications. She read them, but didn’t reply this time.

When she came back with a water bottle and the blanket she figured they could use, she found Jiu on the phone so she simply left the items and gave her privacy again, her companion quickly thanking her before returning to her call with this tone that she reserved to only one person. Yoohyeon waded again along the shore, liking how this small part of the immense ocean splashed against her legs. Her sight never strayed too much from Jiu however, sometimes going up to small clouds then on a misty island, only to come back on her.

A smile formed on her face as she noticed the raised arm that gently waved at her to get her attention. She regained her spot beside her companion, and slipped under the blanket Jiu had draped over her shoulders, a hand immediately finding hers as she did so.

Like the day before, they watched the sea without saying anything. The light was growing softer, the warmth of the temperature slowly being turned into visible shades. Yoohyeon could have left it at that. Jiu was always a little dazed after talking with Gahyeon. This time was no exception, but Yoohyeon imagined this could be for different reasons. She also had many questions unanswered, but would they ever, she didn’t know.

She broke the silence, the only way she knew.

“Wanna talk?”

Soft, barren of expectations.

“...”

Jiu didn't say anything so she waited until she did, or until she didn't.

She did.

“Which do you prefer between sunrises and sunsets?”

“Hmmh, I don’t know. Both are equally mesmerizing, but maybe... sunrises if I had to choose. They’re harder to catch, because you have to wake up early, and that makes them very precious. Maybe because I’ve seen a lot more of them recently, I didn’t realize how they were before. It’s inspiring to start the day with no one but the sunrise and a few other people, like some safely guarded secret. Although... Well, my days don't necessarily need inspiration. But there's also a certain appeal to sunsets, so I don’t think I could get tired of either of them.”

“Inspiring... That’s a nice way to put it. Something not that difficult to get but that only a few make the effort to actually reach.”

“Either the sun wakes me up or I just don’t sleep, so I can’t really say that I’m making an effort, but yes. Kind of like that. Which is it for you?”

“I think... I prefer sunsets. The perfect way of ending the day and look back on everything you’ve done. Even when you’re tired of your day, upset or let down, the sun rewards you with beautiful colors that make you forget all of that. Or maybe not forget, that would be hard to, but… push it aside. And if you’re having a good day, it's just the cherry on top. The one thing that will make it even better.”

“And today is…?”

“A good day. Don’t you think?”

“It is. And I’m sure the sunset is going to be beautiful today too.”

“And so will the sunrise tomorrow. Twilight, beautiful twilight….”

“...”

“Did you know? The twilight is both dawn and dusk. The only moment you can face the sun without hurting from its brightness. Like it knows it’s too much for us, so it tones it down for a while. Making itself reachable, but the problem is, when you feel you’ve grasped it, it goes away. And then it leaves you blind, either from darkness or brightness.”

It wasn’t the first time Jiu spoke of the sun in similar terms. But this time it sounded as one more of those things she was battling. She who had already gone through the strongest of darkness, was she still fearing something?

“But that’s what makes it beautiful, isn’t it? It always comes back, if only for a moment. If it was always there, we would only look at it and not see anything else. Or maybe we wouldn’t even notice how beautiful it is, how beautiful it makes everything else look like. The golden light.”

And everything she was seeing was indeed beautiful that the ache that always remained was bearable.

“Maybe… That’s probably that, yes. Yes, you’re right.”

“And if it makes you forget everything bad, and even without that, you can face anything, right?”

She couldn’t tell if she was absolutely believing her own words, or merely trying to convince herself and Jiu at the same time, but seeing those yellow hues, at that moment, she could see some traces of the former.

“Angel…”

Yoohyeon hummed in reply.

“Are you still trying to win?”

“Am I?”

“Because I think you just did. Thanks for reminding me.”

“Ah. I guess I learnt from the best.”

“That’s too kind of you.”

Yoohyeon gazed from the sea to the sky. The wind wasn’t very strong so the scattered clouds weren’t moving very fast, almost stilled. It wouldn't rain. Dusk would indeed be one of a kind, a grand spectacle for them to admire.

“What do you see, now?”

“I see… that it was good to come here. Scary, but good.”

“You’ve never said why you ran away. Not on a list, not because of the list… When we left, I couldn’t ask because of Siyeon, but this ‘when’ you were talking about… What is it?”

Silence filled the air and she waited, tracing invisible patterns in the sand with her free hand.

"Hyeon-ah and I... we made up. Well, I guess we can say that.”

"That’s great. Is that why?”

“Yes and no.”

“...”

“It’s a long one. Do you want to hear it?”

“Only if you want to tell.”

Jiu raised her head to the sky, getting lost in there for a moment. Meanwhile, Yoohyeon took sand in her palm, let it slip through her fingers, gathered some more again and made a small, shapeless dune that grew at each iteration. Confessions shared to the wind and to each other, could never be rushed.

“I didn’t expect it, but she came to me and we talked a lot. She wants to get into medic school, not because that’s what I wanted to do or because of our parents, but because that’s what she wanted. So of course, I encouraged her. Then I had this thought, that every time she’d step into a hospital, she could be reminded of memories I’d have left there. But that’s only part of the reason.”

“Hyeon-ah has already spent too much time in that hospital. She must have at least heard the rumors.”

From everything she had heard before, Yoohyeon easily understood. The rules observed in the 7th floor were never disclosed to people who were not patients from there, turning them into urban legends to outsiders. However, slip-ups were inevitable and it wouldn’t be too surprising that at least the medical staff and the volunteers suspected something. Have it then reaching visitors didn’t seem that far-fetched, especially since Gahyeon spent entire weeks there.

“I’d prefer she doesn’t know, but either way, I’m glad. It was good to talk with her on the phone too. Difficult, but good.”

Not having anything relevant to say, she gave her hand a light squeeze instead, the action definitely noticed as Jiu leaned on her shoulder, welcomed as she brought both their hands closer to her in the process.

“The ‘when’ I had decided on, regardless of anything else… was after my second discharge, to put it simply.”

“Wait, but that means…”

Her words were left hanging as she put the pieces together in her mind.

“Exactly what it means, sweetheart. While you were still on your first discharge, I went and came back from my second one.”

“How…”

“It hurts a lot… The medication helps. But if I waited longer, I don’t think I could have done anything and I would hate it. I’d always thought... it’d be at that place, but I doubted again. There was Hyeon-ah and there was you.”

“Me?”

“Ah… It really is a long one…”

Interrupting herself for a moment, Jiu took the opportunity to drink some water. When she finished, she didn’t lean back on her, but shifted sideways so she could both see the sunset and Yoohyeon, letting the latter know that she was definitely involved in a way she didn’t know about.

Yet.

“I learnt the rules long before I was admitted to the 7th floor. From a kid I used to visit. Apparently, no exceptions were made even for someone so young. Just like illness doesn’t spare anyone... He barely understood, but he was devastated. Among those rules, there was one in particular, that was clearer than the others, even for a child.”

“You mean the first one?”

“No, a discharge was still too abstract of a time measure for him.”

For her too, she realized.

“Then...”

Yoohyeon dropped her head and frowned in confusion. She had long stopped being referred to as a child, obviously, and putting herself in the shoes of one, with such conditions, was a bit complicated. The other two were too implicit, she didn’t see how he would have gotten it better.

“You can’t find that one, angel. I haven’t told you.”

“What?”

She felt as dumbfounded as when they first met, lips parted but no words coming out and Jiu staring at her.

“It’s a stupid rule… Do you want to know?”

Never had she heard Jiu question the rules. But maybe it was because she’d already done so.

“Tell me.”

Jiu responded to her confidence with a smile. A thin one, soon replaced by the seriousness that came with passing down the rules.

"Rule number four."

“You can’t make friends.”

Yoohyeon blinked, her only reaction. There was never something mind blowing about them anyway.

“Thoughts?”

“Well, I get it.”

By a natural disposition to avoid further pain, to not cause it further, torments Yoohyeon went through regularly as well and torments that she knew Jiu had gone through as well.

“But it’s different from the others.”

She didn’t know of the 7th floor Jiu knew, heard only bits and pieces of this cold and silent place where time and reality didn’t exist. The place Yoohyeon knew might have looked exactly the same, felt as lonely but neither Insik nor Jiu had shunned her. Sure, that could be far from what having friends meant to the outside, but that was as close as it could get. And well, Yoohyeon let herself go a bit too far too.

Formalizing what they shouldn’t do, she didn’t really see a point in that.

Jiu hummed in acknowledgement.

“When it was my turn to receive the rules, I heard that again and it didn’t sit well with me. Then it was my turn to pass them on and I don’t know. You’d talked to me twice already. Everybody is different but mostly, people avoid each other. That’s how you were different. So I’ve been selfish and didn’t tell you.”

“You really can’t be trusted, can you?”

She joked, recalling one of their early discussions, even if she knew it wasn't about that back then, and Jiu laughed.

“Of course!”

“That still doesn’t say how I made you run away.”

“I guess… I wanted to see the world you used to talk about so much that I knew so little of. Being born, falling sick… Those aren’t things one can control, that’s just how it is. But running away, I could. So I did."

"Now let me ask you a question, angel. Why did you come? Not just for me?"

“...”

"I felt I could find the answers I was looking for."

"Have you?"

"Some of them.”

“That’s good.”

“Have you?”

“I tried, that’ll be enough. I still got some time to.”

“I see.”

Silence fell once more, leaving them to admire the warm colors of dusk, intense and drowning. Releasing her hand, Jiu reached for the water again, drank some with the medecine she had in the pouch she kept with her. Probably too much of it. She put everything back on the sand, got her phone out her jacket and added it there. Yoohyeon watched, heart starting to clench again.

“I don’t regret it, you know? Coming with you. I should thank you for letting me.”

“Who am I to stop you…”

“You stopped Siyeon.”

“She isn’t like us. And she isn’t you.”

“Not me, huh…”

As Yoohyeon fell back to her thoughts, Jiu took off the blanket from her shoulders and got up slowly, gaze towards the horizon. She was dusting the sand that stuck to her pants when she seemed to remember something.

"Ah, I have your clothes, right…"

Yoohyeon looked up, shook her head and got up as well, keeping the older woman at eye-level.

"You think I care about that?"

"No, but since you won’t get them back, I should give you something in exchange. As thanks. Not just the clothes but driving me and everything."

Jiu paused for a while, probably wondering what she had at her disposal. She took her necklace out of her shirt, that Yoohyeon didn’t know she had with her and even less wore, as the only time she had seen it, it rested in her pajama pocket. The lone cross was hidden in her fist, that pulled gently on the chain, debating whether this would be her money of exchange, but the idea didn’t seem to please her. A few more seconds passed, inspiration seemingly having hit as she looked back at her with a smile.

“Sorry, this I’ll keep. But I still have something for you.”

Her eyes fell downwards, at her arm. She pushed the sleeve up, revealing her wrist and white vinyl.

"Why did you keep that…"

After removing the sign of her appartenance to the 7th floor, her companion took her hand and placed the bracelet in hers. She gently brought her fingers to close on it, before letting go and taking a step back.

"I don't know. It feels weird not having it. But good thing I did, right? It’s not much but it’s yours now.”

“I have my own.”

“Maybe you’ll need it, maybe not. Just do whatever you want with it. Tear it, throw it, burn it. Wear it. It doesn’t matter.”

She stayed rooted there, not saying anything. What would she do of someone else’s bracelet? But an exchange was an exchange, and if Jiu wanted it that way, she would accept.

“Well, if we’re done…”

Jiu turned to the sea again and watched it as if it was calling for her, but when she started walking towards it, Yoohyeon reached for her arm, bringing her to a stop.

“Wait, Jiu.”

She let her hand slide down to Jiu's wrist, now bare of vinyl, then to her hand again.

“Hmmh?”

“I have one more question.”

Her fingers clenched tight on the bracelet. In front of her, Jiu tilted her head to the side, smiling fondly.

“You always have questions. I’m sure you have more than one.”

“You’re assuming, but that’s very true… Which makes us both eternally curious and searching for answers. But let it be the last for today.”

She inspired deeply, gathering the wording in her mind before freezing it out loud.

She could say anything to her. She could ask anything. She had billions of questions and if they ever came to lack, she could ask questions she already had answers to, just to retain her a bit longer.

But even that wouldn't work anymore.

So instead she chose one, that had lingered on her mind since long ago.

“Who am I to you? I haven’t asked yesterday, because there was no need for an answer but… I want to know, and with what you just said, even more.”

What kind of reply would she get?

Under that golden light.

“Ah… How things are for real, till the end...”

“It always goes down to this, I agree.”

She gave her hand a squeeze and received one in return.

“That’s a really hard one, though... I don’t think existing words would be enough to say who you are.”

Jiu reached for her nape nervously, like she didn’t really have any specific answer to give.

“You’re the very cute and bewildered girl who asks herself and others a lot of questions...”

“A friend, the one for which I hid one of the rules...”

“Kind of a travel partner? I wouldn’t have made it this far if it weren’t for you. And I liked that we went together."

“You’re so many things. It’s changing by the minute and it'll keep changing.”

“Soon my witness, my memory...”

“Someone dear... someone I didn’t expect because I’d stopped expecting. So I guess, what the world gave me to lose. It wouldn’t have been the same without you.”

“All that and more? It’s hard.”

Yoohyeon smiled, because she knew it was and that incomplete were just the kind of conclusions they would ever reach for the other to hear.

“Thanks.”

So incomplete is what she’d have also, as hard as it was.

“I’m saying all that but I haven’t asked, though. Are you coming?”

Again, Jiu’s eyes stared at her and again, Yoohyeon saw in them a myriad of untold stories she had a harder time to read. The old her would have maybe wanted to accept the invitation, with her whole being, because she would always jump in head first and it would have seemed like the better choice, the only way out. And in a sense, she might have already dived in, the fall getting closer and closer, unavoidable like it had already happened.

However, this time, she let herself doubt, because since their meeting it’s always been there. It was never supposed to be a crippling one, so she welcomed it, thought about the question. It was only a few days ago when she said she’d come with Jiu, only a few days ago when Jiu asked for confirmation that she’d drive her to the south, only a few days ago she reaffirmed it.

And she’d done it

She’d done it.

And now that she was asked again…

What Yoohyeon knew from the beginning...

It was about time she let go.

“I’ll join you in a bit.”

She stops squeezing, leaving Jiu in charge of bringing their hands midway between them.

“So that’s what you choose.”

“I have some things to take care of.”

It was Jiu who smiled this time. It didn’t last too long, just enough to tell her she got it.

“As long as it comes from you.”

“...”

“See you.”

“Bye, angel.”

And finally, the hold was gone and her hand fell back to her side.

The sky was clear, the sun flamboyant while it hid behind the horizon, dark blue already claiming heights yet blending with the scarlet of the lowness. The rain started falling, a different kind of, not unannounced but fought back, eventually released free. Yoohyeon embraced it, let it trickle on her cheeks with her chin held high with dignity, not wanting to lose the sight before her. It tasted like the ocean, salty on her lips as she watched, immobile, her mind disagree with her heart, unsure of which sided with what.

It was a beautiful day.

That day when she saw Jiu for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's been a tough chapter to write, and since the beginning I'd been lowkey fearing that moment. It's probably as incomplete as Jiu's answer to Yoohyeon but incomplete is all I can offer. After 9k and the longest chapter to date (again), I let go as well.
> 
> TMI I studied truth as a concept for more than a year in college and "Twilight/Crepuscle of truth" was the last philo essay I had for a competitive exam and while everyone in the room laughed in despair, I thought it was really poetic and I spent a very nice 4 hours thinking and writing.
> 
> Take care,


	11. DX: Us against the world

There are things you weren’t aware of and suddenly they hit you like a truck, giving you no time to prepare. There are also others you’re aware of, that you have at the back of your mind at all times and that you still deliberately ignore, until they hit you just as strongly. Only this time you are the one crashing head-first in the brickwall, full-speed.

One often refers to those life-changing moments with the mentions of before and after, implying that when life takes a turn it wasn’t supposed to, whether it be in good or bad fashion, nothing will ever be the same.

Only Yoohyeon didn’t ignore that she was rushing into a wall. If anything, she stepped on the accelerator and the collision was as hard as it’d have been otherwise. She’d thought about what the life-changing moment was, because now that she was slowing down, she could finally look at the road she took to get there.

The moment she entered the 7th floor for the first time?

The moment she met Jiu?

The moment she left with her?

Or the moment she left her?

At many instances she had felt like her world had been turned upside down, but if she had to pinpoint one that would transcend the others, maybe it would be the moment Jiu asked if she would drive her to this place even she didn’t know of, and she replied she would. Knowing perfectly what leaving the hospital, what not choosing either home or the 7th floor, meant to the likes of them.

She had no idea how long she had remained on that beach, crying for only the moon to see. When she calmed down enough, numbed by the freshness of the night, she gathered the belongings left on the sand and sought refuge in the car, turned on the radio and curled up on the back seats. A light song replaced the silence that suddenly felt out of place and she tried to focus on it, shedding her sorrow once more until she fell into a slumber of exhaustion.

She hadn’t seen the sunrise the next day, but when she opened her eyes, the sun was shining bright, the world all around her unscathed. She eventually took the road once more, to the north, an empty seat beside her. The car ran, that much was certain, but the way back to Incheon was blurry in her memory, like her brain shut off to help her as an immediate response to the pain. She’d been told she called her parents at some point but she didn’t remember it.

The exertion and mental fatigue sent her straight back to the hospital, something that she should have seen coming although it was the least of her preoccupation. What she cared about, was that the place had changed again now that there wasn’t anyone else there. However, she was hardly given time to process it. It sounded oddly ironic when she thought about it, because never had she received so many visits in such a short span of time, but the extra ones weren’t actually for her. Obviously, it was impossible to disappear without explanations.

There was notably an unpleasant meeting with Jiu’s parents and she only gave them a cold look as they blamed her for what went wrong with their lives before taking their… bitterness, for the lack of better word, to the hospital staff. What had they expected from her, anyway? That she was just going to plainly agree to whatever they accused her of doing? From a religious point of view, Jiu sinned, if they said so, maybe. Had Jiu cared, probably not, or maybe she did, although everything she did allowed for lingering doubt, and the chain she decided against giving her was just so she could prove it was completely useless because when you’re gone you’re going nowhere. Or just so she could throw it into the pits of Hell in case she was wrong.

Well, no, that was more something that Yoohyeon would do.

Yes, Yoohyeon could tell them everything that happened, she could tell them that yes, she knew everything, that yes, she helped Jiu go further that she would have on her own, and that yes, she didn’t stop her when she could have. Though in essence, never could she have been an influence. However, they didn’t seem to care that much for the answer and more to find someone to yell at. Maybe it made them feel better, even though she didn’t really understand how. She did her best not to let it get to her, or rather not show it.

At least, they looked visibly shaken and at least, they had the decency to not raise their voices too loud. She could give them that. Perks of being terminally ill in a christian hospital, Yoohyeon imagined. You still have to be respectful of the weak.

There was also the unexpected participation of Gahyeon, and then her unexpected participation in toning down her parents’ reproaches in addition to the staff. Her tone was dry; her expression had hardened too, disapproval evident in her eyes, from the weariness of a querel that had lasted for too long. All of it made her look slightly older than she was and it saddened Yoohyeon that it happened under such circumstances.

If there was anyone to whom Yoohyeon would have accepted to answer those questions she’d been asked relentlessly, it would have been her. Maybe a part of her even wanted her to ask, because Yoohyeon also wanted to tell. Only to those who could listen and Gahyeon was maybe one of the few who could. Yet, once it was just the two of them in her room, the girl didn’t say anything. She just stayed there and stared.

A sight that was more familiar.

It was fine too.

Yoohyeon took the first step and simply gave her the things she had brought back. Gahyeon thanked her, then left.

She never saw her afterwards.

“So you didn’t tell Gahyeon in the end…”

“Yeah… If she ever asks, you’ll tell her, right?”

“If she asks, yeah.”

The place had changed again, but nothing ground-breaking. It still looked the same, Yoohyeon still spent her days watching television. Sometimes she searched for the documentaries about those places she would have wanted to go to. She gazed through the window at the clouds that were irremediably pushed by the wind, or, bundled up in multiple layers that provided the warmth her body wouldn’t give anymore, took some fresh air in the garden. She tried to pick up one of the books Jiu had left but discarded it after three lines, and asked the staff instead for other readings that she would enjoy more.

Not that much had changed, really. Infuriatingly so, even, that things remained so similar. The ground didn’t tear apart, thunder didn’t rage incessantly and rain didn’t fall until the skies became once more a desert of blue. Everything looked the same.

There was just this constant pain she lived with that had somehow heightened despite the numbing medication, interactions with people she knew wouldn’t end up in some intricate reasoning or at the total opposite in ridiculous comments and her mind that seemed at times clearer than before. Because she did see things under a different light when she managed to fight off the delusion that she was back to square one.

From time to time, she texted Handong, who had given her contact info before parting ways that day. Yoohyeon hadn’t been convinced she would make use of it but she eventually did. Their conversations revolved mostly around photography, sometimes about more abstract matters. The woman occasionally sent her some of her best shots, which prompted her to grab her camera again, curious of what she could show from her small world made of the hospital and the nearby places she could be taken to, with the assistance of Siyeon. Handong and her didn’t really dive into personal subjects, not more than they did on their first and sole encounter, as if they were to remain strangers even as they gave each other obvious pieces of their lives away. It was a peculiar bond that would break as easily as it was formed, although she didn’t think much about that part. Those moments were nice, somehow.

She saw things differently at times.

Not wonderfully differently, but still.

It had never been easy, after all.

And everytime she saw the sunset and the sea, even at the pier like this, its colors, even more vivid than before, felt different. She was full of new questions, that she refrained from asking someone who would never reply, only letting herself search for an answer.

“You really liked her, didn’t you?”

Yoohyeon hummed in agreement.

“You know how I get attached too easily, but she was like… the sun. A different kind of.”

Burning to the touch, too bright to look at, captivating, hurting, burning itself to a point of no return but casting light on the shadows of the world and of the mind by doing so. A reframing of perceptions.

For days, Yoohyeon actually believed that she had imagined everything, that her companion never existed and she had only gone completely delirious. Nightmares sometimes woke her up in the middle of nights already too short. She still spent too much time at the window wondering, watching every little detail of the outside her eyes could catch with unaffected interest. But there was no way her mind was capable enough to maintain an illusion as strong as Jiu. When that happened she would open the drawer of the nightstand, retrieve the bracelet she was gifted and as if she’d run into the wall again, she would painfully know again it had all happened. Like she needed to go through the electrochoc again just to be sure she hadn’t dreamt any of it.

It was somehow scary, because it already felt distant and at the same time, so fresh in her memory. She would recognize her in between millions, yet her traits had faded. She had only seen the picture they took that day once ever since, just so she could send it to Siyeon. It’s not that she didn’t want to see it, just that it wasn’t what she was looking for. There was nothing new and nothing new would be ever, yet, just like Jiu had said that to her Yoohyeon kept changing by the second, the older woman kept changing also in her mind. Yoohyeon would try to remember what she had felt on that day, then wonder what it meant to remember someone, before letting her thoughts wander somewhere else.

Everything about Jiu was paradoxes. That was also where the older’s own interrogations always started and Yoohyeon kept sketching the outlines of those that persisted.

That the fleeting couldn’t be anything else than part of a forever even if you couldn’t comprehend how. That each of those moments she pinpointed were equally as life-changing because all of their afters were part of her present self, as fugacious as that was, shaping who she would be not only in a week or a day, but in the next second too.

That contentment could also come with the unsatisfying. That maybe it couldn’t come from something other than that as it had to start somewhere.

And the one that had frustrated Yoohyeon for such a long time...

“She showed me something I didn’t think I’d see.”

And that was where Yoohyeon had been mistaken, she now understood. By leaving on this journey of theirs, she had thought she was also chasing after the freedom she had lost when she had it from the very beginning.

“What is it?”

That one paradox that had been harder to fathom.

Restraint, control, limits.

That all of that was also freedom.

“Just a different way of seeing things.”

That it wasn’t about doing whatever you want, because if that were the case, how would she even realize she was free? There was something odd in defining something by their absence, she thought. It was a start, but definitely lacking. Couldn’t it be defined on its own terms, not just what it wasn’t? Or was it that this absence wasn't actually one, but rather the condition for it?

Because also, thinking that she wasn’t free because she was stuck in some place, not being able to do the things she wanted, was just as odd. As a matter of fact, she could very well leave. Jiu had left, more than once. Yoohyeon had left on her own too, but hadn’t been able to bring herself to go further. Her thoughts had been all over the place at that time, but she was held back, scared of what it meant. Scared of that slight panic at not knowing what to do or where to go, of the worries she would put on others, of their confusion, of being responsible for her actions. Of all the consequences of her decision. And maybe scared that she wouldn’t have managed to leave anyway by some random external factor.

It still wasn’t easy.

“That’s vague.”

Freedom couldn’t be defined by the lack of it, because it was always there. Something that, ironically, she couldn’t be free of. More indelible than a tattoo on the skin. When she couldn’t leave at the station, she was free; she had just refused it.

It wasn’t about what she couldn’t do, or even what she could for that matter, but what she could choose. Because when you chose, you had to give something else. All of the other choices you could have made, that could have been more convenient, easier, with less consequences.

“I know, but when you see it, it kinda makes sense.”

She thought this was the kind of control freedom was about.

Everything that could be, but didn’t have to, by her own decision.

“You sure she didn’t get you into a cult?”

It was never meant to be something easy, actually.

Freedom was heavy to bear, and the less you felt free to make your choices, the more you actually were. It was the conditions you were expressing it within that were causing frustrations. Freedom was terrifying, because it didn’t warrant that you would succeed in what you chose. After all, the world would always throw something right at you to make you waver. Maybe others wouldn’t agree with you, and would tell you you’re in the wrong.

But neither did it mean you would fail.

That could also be why it was so easy to be envious of freedom. It looked so easy, when it really wasn’t.

“Very sure.”

She saw what it was like to make a difficult choice. She knew what it was like to make a difficult choice. And if you hadn’t been confronted with a similar situation, it could be hard to accept the reason behind it. She didn’t want to answer the ‘why’ to those who wouldn’t listen to the ‘because’.

“I told her, you know? How I felt. The night before. We were watching the sea, it was really peaceful. It started raining, but we stayed there, like nothing could reach us. Like time stopped but for once it didn’t feel awful... I didn’t want anything back, just to let her know. I wasn’t even sure of what it was exactly, but I told her. You know what she said?”

“Yoohyeon…”

“She said ‘sorry, but I don’t do one night stands’.”

“What?”

“Exactly. The audacity... She’s so annoying, I can’t stand her. Like, she really couldn’t just say ‘thanks but sorry’, ‘you know that wouldn’t work out’ or something normal for once. But of course she’d have a very unique way of turning down people.”

“That’s kinda harsh…”

“Not really. Or am I weird? It made me laugh.”

“You’re weird.”

“Okay, okay. I’m weird…”

“What… Did you… Shit, I don’t know how to say it…”

“Just shoot.”

“You knew all this time. Did you... Did you think you wouldn’t come back too?”

“Did I? Not then, I don’t think so… Hmm…”

“...”

“In the end, death is very lonely. Something you face alone. But everything before that… doesn’t have to be that way. I wanted to do something, see what she chose. So at least till that moment, I wanted... to be there. Even if that wouldn’t change anything. And she let me. She wasn’t very clear about it, but I think she let me because she knew I wouldn’t do anything stupid she didn’t want. Even when I wasn't sure of it myself.”

“I… don’t know what I would have done if you’d let me too.”

“Well, we had reasons not to let you.”

“I’m glad... you came back.”

“...”

“You telling me all this… Is it... soon?”

It would always be too soon anyway. For her twenty-year old self, she couldn’t say that having less days ahead of her than she had behind left her without regrets. She had them, of course unfulfilled dreams of the past, things she might have done differently. It still didn’t make sense to her and it probably never would. She had made the only decision that counted as a future to her. But as for her present, she still had things to do and she would try to put all the contradictions in her head in their right place. She didn’t want to choose the easy way and let herself be deceived. Those could exist together, she was sure of it.

To reach the light, you had to get out of the darkness first, then accept being burnt by the sun.

“I don’t know… Probably.”

So she would keep confronting herself to the darkness so she can be burnt again and maybe at the end of it, stand in the light. She would go out of her comfort zone to think always further than she would have facing convenience. She would leave on adventures again, without even leaving her chair, knowing the blows she would take wouldn’t be the last, and continuing stubbornly precisely because she knew there were more to come and she’d rather meet them than wait for them. She wasn’t an idealist, at least not to the extent Jiu was, but she thought there were things you could only find in the intangible.

“Then because you want to… do like she did?”

“Where would you want me to go like this… I’m wheeled around everywhere, can barely stan-”

“Not that... Do you want to do the same thing she did? Answer... please.”

“No. I don’t.”

Not anymore.

“But why would I wait any longer if I already know what I want to tell you? Isn’t it better to say what’s important first, even if it’s difficult, so it’s out the way for what’s left?”

“You know, when it happens…”

“It’s okay to miss me. It’s okay to… cry for me.”

“No, no. Let me finish. I’ve been thinking about it for so long, I need to get it out.”

“It’s okay to wonder. What I would have said or done since I won’t be here to tell you directly. It’s gonna hurt so much more and I hate that I won’t be able to do more when it does.”

“You can’t escape it. Don’t run away thinking you can, because it’ll creep on you when you don’t expect it, and nothing would have changed. It’s all okay, so after some time face it. You can’t escape it, but you can do something about it.”

“And even though I’m sure you know it, I’m telling you, so you don’t have to wonder about this one. Basics, really, but it’s better if you hear it from me. I won’t hand over my best friend card that easily.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ll do great things and you’ll meet great people with whom you’ll spend great moments with and that won’t mean you’ve replaced me. And at some point, when you’ll think of me, it’ll give you strength instead of sadness because you’ll remember all the shit we did together and that’ll make you smile. Maybe it’ll still make you cry at times but that’ll be only because things would be getting rough for some reason. Not because you’ll miss me. Not anymore. You’ll miss me, but never for too long because you know I’d be after your ass if you let me bother you too much.”

Was it hypocritical of her to say that when she wasn’t there herself?

“But before that, it’s gonna be tough and it’ll take some time for you to figure it out. So during that time, it’s all okay.”

“And for that after, when you’re fine, I’m gonna be extra early and say, ‘I told you so’, because you know I’m always right, right?”

When she wouldn’t have time to?

Maybe she did look a tiny bit like Jiu.

How strange.

“…”

“Come on, Singnie… Wait, I should have tissues with me, where are they…”

“Fuck you, Yoohyeon! How do you expect me to react! Saying things like that so calmly!”

“I’m not calm… I’m restless. I don’t expect anything. And I’m telling you precisely because I’m still here.”

“Yeah you’re still here, so stop it! You don’t have to worry about that! Let’s just think of now!”

“But now is all I can think about. My future’s just pitch black… But that doesn’t prevent me from doing something for yours… Now. That’s what we do, right? Have each other’s back when it gets tough.”

“Now you’re just pushing it! Aaah, why are we even shouting!”

“Nonsense, I can’t shout.”

“I can hear you shouting just fine with that tone of yours! Ah… You’re really about to outsmart me from the future past whatever, what the hell.”

“What did _you_ expect? I thought we agreed I’d be the wise one. But see? I’d rather have this conversation now with you shouting back at me than, well, later.”

“Just shut up.”

“Kayyy.”

“You know what? I’ll be even better than what you said. But I’ll think about you as often as I can cause there’s no way the world can go right if I don’t.”

“You do that then.”

She had finally found the words she wanted to say to Siyeon. Probably not everything so she might have to throw some more in there whenever she thought about it, but the gist was there. Siyeon took it better than she’d thought, to be honest.

“I know it, I know it well… I’ll remember… Ah… I’m gonna say ‘thank you for being there’ in advance then. I'll be okay, I can't disappoint you.”

Now she had one last thing she had yet to address, something that Jiu had given her longer ago.

Among the questions she had often wondered about, was what people had left when they came to a place like the 7th floor. Apart from recounting old days and counting those left, living in the uncertainty of the inevitable. Knowing things would end without knowing when.

There were those words that were so difficult to say, to start with.

But maybe… the rules were parts of what they had left.

Sure, it wasn’t the most pleasant thing to have. Even at all. Yet, if she followed the findings she reached before, it was still something. It was still relevant, depending on how you looked at it.

Granted, it could be far-fetched of her to think of them that way. She didn’t know if on her own she would have reached this point. Probably, she would have either repeated them because that was how things were done here. Or wouldn’t have because of the distress they put her through. Except now, she was doing it because she saw a reason for them. No one was forcing her.

It wasn’t much, but it was one of those few things the patients of the 7th floor had left. Or on the contrary it was a lot, she wasn’t sure. The knowledge of the rules, and the freedom it gave them to choose what they wanted for themselves. It made some things they could decide on slightly clearer. It made them think about it, forced them to, as harshly as the fate awaiting them was. That was also why the fourth rule felt so off to her, because it didn’t offer space for thinking. She guessed it was alright to definitely remove this one.

There wouldn’t be anyone coming to the 7th floor in a while, the nurses had told her so. Yet, for those reasons, that someone might see them the way she did, she couldn’t let the rules disappear with her.

Didn’t they deserve to be given at least that?

Did Jiu see them the same way?

She had seen the warmth of the autumn leaves, now fading as the temperature decreased slowly, foreshadowing the sunny sky of winter. Though even the first snow was too much to hope for.

“Hey, Siyeon.“

“Yeah...?”

“You said anything, right?”

“I did...”

“There’s something else. You’re the only one I trust with this. But it’s something heavy to carry…”

“Can it be heavier than what you just told me?”

“Yeah. It’s another message. Only I don’t know who you need to deliver it to. Will you do it?”

“Can you tell me what it is?”

“Only if you accept. You… You’ll have to come back here.”

“...”

“Anything.”

Her third discharge wasn’t that far off, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 201124: how unsurprising that my perspective on this keeps changing. Still mentally slapping myself at how much of a let down this chapter is, and at the same time, it could also fit that it is one. I'm not sure.
> 
> I wrote this story to stubbornly confront grief and it kind of worked. So yes,  
>  _"Do you hear us, Blizzard? Do you hear us? If you do, go fuck yourself"_
> 
> Didn't really expect people to read and I must say, I've been surprised in a positive way, because few readers read it, and it had never mattered more for something like this. I haven't made it easy and I don't think it's good, but that wasn't the objective anyway.
> 
> Did you find something in this story too?
> 
> Take care,


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